ok, first some background to my dilema. though i have been a vegetarian for 12 years now, it has only been in the last year that i really started to think about the food i eat in depth. through my research, i have become increasingly convinced that it is the processing of foods that does the most damage to our health. i have also become an adamant supporter or organic foods, both for the health of my family and for the health of our planet.
my 10 year old, cassidy, has always been overly sensitive to not fitting in. so the fact that i raise her veggie has always made her feel like she stands out. but my newer convictions, about processed food especially, i think she takes worse. previously we ate A LOT of stuff i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole now - even though they were vegetarian.
so, cass had a friend sleep over last night (the state of utah has a four day school weekend). and i want to help her not feel like her mom is a total freak, so i bought them pizza and cookies. then cassidy asks me for soda, and movie treats, and the list goes on and on! i mean, i am already trying to compromise with her by feeding her stuff i would never on a normal day, and then i get pestered with all these requests and i just want to scream. i mean, i am making many sacrifices in other areas of my life so that i can feed my family food without chemicals and preservatives and added sugar. i spend more on food a month than i spend on rent because what i put into my daughter's body matters a great deal to me. i was less informed for much of her life (plus she macks fast food crap when she visits her dad) i used to feed her stuff that i won't now. but it killed me when she had her friend over here. i was already trying to sacrifice something that mattered to me because i know that the more rigid you are about something then more likely they are to reject it on principle, but this experience made me not want her to have her friends over for the night anymore.
i mean, i have had to deal with the fact that she eats things i would prefer she didn't, but it has always been other places. i feel like my home is the last safe food place for my daughter, but when i say she can a friend over then my safe place becomes a war zone over food. i am at a loss :( :( :( i don't want to say she can't have friends spend the night, but i don't want this food war brought home.
and let me say here that the letting go of what she eats outside the house has been HUGE for me.
i know every parent has their things that they try to do for their child because they truly feel like it's the best thing for them. i mean - how pissed is my dad at me? at least my concern is for her health is in this life - my dad believes that he will be separated from me for eternity for my lack of following what he tried to instill in me, whereas he will get to enjoy my sis and her hubby for eternity.
i am just really struggling with this issue, and i'm sure this will not be the last time i need to write about it.
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Hi friend! Just a couple of thoughts here. Kids at her age (and even younger) have a full time job: boundary tester. Give them an inch, they want a mile. It's part of the whole desire to impose her will during a time of life when everything she does is subject to parents choices. It's also right about the time when she will instinctually do things to break away from your parental control and form her independent self, which as we all know and remember from our own lives can manifest as 'attitude'. It's not that kids are 'jerks' during this time, it's an inborn thing built into us so that we can survive on our own if need be. I say, embrace that she will be doing this more and more, be very clear in explaining why what she asks for is not allowed, and keep a positive attitude with her. Plus, there's temptation. Kids worlds are STUFFED with images, smells and suggestions about food that is not good for them. You, the lone reed, are fighting against a very strong current, so expect that it is going to be difficult. Lastly, I'm sure the last thing Cass wants is to feel that she can't have friends over, especially at a time in life where healthy socialization outside of school is so important for her to learn skills about how to initiate bonds with others. So maybe write up a list of ground rules about food and other behavior, and go over it with her and let her know that if she can abide by it, she is welcome to have friends over any time. 'Pick up after yourselves' '1 chosen food 'treat' only, all other food is chosen by me', that kind of deal. I know you have the skills to make both of you happy and still hold true to the important health choices you are making for her. Processed food is SO bad, especially with dyes, for kids (and adults), so just know that while it may be a struggle, it is your right as a parent to choose life-giving foods, not dead foods, go into her body! Keep it up man, and don't get discouraged. :)
ReplyDeletethanks tam for the advice - that really helped. sometimes you can be blind to some simple solutions because you are too close to the situation. i think a predetermined set of rules will go far to calm this debate
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with what Tam said!
ReplyDeleteI was going to say something similar, along the lines of that.
Essentially, in your home, you eat right, and with a reason. You are teaching her these reasons as you go along, not just staunchly saying, "NO!" (two different paths with two different reactions from the kids)
At our dinner table, we will often talk about what vitamins and nutrients are in the "weird" foods we're eating, and why those vitamins or nutrients are necessary. We talk about organic food as though it is the All Mighty Mecca of All Foods because we don't like pesticides and chemicals on the things we put on/in our body.
I agree that you should be willing to budge on ONE thing per visit-- but that's the line. Have kid-friendly foods for them to eat, and if the other child or your own doesn't want to eat them, that's okay. They won't starve in the 24 hours that they're at your place, and Cass will eventually give in as she gets hungry.
Landon & I struggle, too, with all of the other crap that the kids get in their diet, because they go to school and sometimes eat school meals, and when they go to their mom's, there's no guarantee that they're not getting chemicals in that food, either.
Of course, we do the best we can do. Eventually, the kids will be grown, and probably eating the junk on occasion while they're young will not pose significant health threats to them. And while they're in our home (or yours), we are doing the best we can to educate them and give them the healthful things that their bodies need in order to grow and thrive.
Better to teach healthful habits now than to have them wait and find out later...