Reasons do not Equal Excuses

my 13 year old daughter and i had a confrontation today. the details are unimportant - but i will say today was the third incident of the same thing in less than a week. it's not a "big deal" thing - it's the repeat that pisses me off. so she gives me the whole "it wasn't my fault" along with "it won't happen again".

so my question to her was - if it really wasn't your fault - then how can you tell me that it won't happen again? the two claims are pretty much mutually exclusive. either you have no control over it happening - in which case you have no control over it happening again OR it WAS your fault because of choices that you made and so it theoretically could happen again (like how it has happened three times in less than a week despite your assurances the previous two times that it would not).

i told her during her pleading to not be grounded for TWO WHOLE DAYS that one of the things that made me more angry was her refusal to take responsibility for it. we all screw up. we all screw up unintentionally - in fact - i think probably most of our screw ups are unintentional. she went on and on about how it wasn't her fault because of all these reasons that led up to her repeating this particular violation. i was trying to get across to her that reasons are not excuses. everyone has reasons for the choices they make - for better or worse - but your reasons do not give you an EXCUSE. as she was protesting the unfairness of being grounded for two days she asked me what the big deal was. and for me  - a lot of the "big deal" has to do with taking responsibility. i hope to teach her how to take responsibility. it took me a really long time to learn the difference between reasons and excuses - and i hope that she learns it earlier than me (or at the very least that she learns it at all! - said every parent ever!). i have found a certain freedom that comes with accepting responsibility for your  life and stopping assigning blame outside yourself for your decisions. don't get me wrong - i still fall into the blame trap once in a while (who doesn't?) but today clarified for me one of my parenting missions - help daughter know that reasons are not excuses.

going gray

so - in contrast  to what i am "supposed" to want - i COVET gray hair - i always have. and now i have two gray hairs - and they are the most beautiful silver!!! i just worry that i am destined to do the "salt and pepper" thing.
i want a head of beautiful silver hair!

Some camus for your ass

My friend Ash posted something earlier this evening that made me want to read Camus' "Youthful Writings" again - not all of it - just my favorite bits :) i began with the piece entitled "intuitions" and then revisited other favorite parts. i just love a favorite book! how you can go back and read it again and just cherish it all over again. mostly i wish i could just somehow beam the contents of this wonderful book into your head - but i will settle for relating a poem from the book...

That the gift is sad and grave, I know it, child of
   those who believe.
Flowers and streams, shadows and foliage in the
   dark of the present, all stretch forth and entwine.
I would have liked to leave in order to be bound,
   I see the sky too high.
Seeing how desires that look behind them die,
   who can be born again?
No. No. May all be astonished - at each thing
   at each birth and at each death.
Life with its regrets and desires is too short; alas!
   I believe in Love, and what use are my roots.
I know that everything happens and that the instant
   of communion is not awaited - but is won.
And when night falls, it's dawn
   that one must reach for.