fat-cat brain

so i have done three "Work" sessions now, but the one i did today blew my mind. for those of you who don't know about byron katie and her "Work", you start with a thought that distresses you and and allow yourself to feel it fully and watch what that thought does to your life. how does life feel with that thought? how do you treat yourself when you think this thought? how do you treat others when you think this thought? etc.
then when you're all done with that you imagine your life as if it were impossible to think that thought. not that the subject of the thought doesn't exist, but that it is impossible for you to think that particular thought. so my thought today was people shouldn't threaten each other. so i had to imagine what would my life be if i COULD NOT think that thought, not what would my life be like if people didn't threaten each other.
that step was a hard one for me! i literally could not imagine life without that thought. so my friend gave me a tool that she uses when trying to work through very deeply entrenched thoughts; she pictures herself in her dog's head. so i put myself in fat cat's head. is it possible for the fat to think that people shouldn't threaten each other? nope, not even a little bit. then i could see what my life could be like without that thought. it's freeing really, to let go for a second and see that you truly are FREE to be as happy or as miserable as you want to make yourself. and you have NO ONE to blame but yourself if you are unhappy or stressed.

take a second to let that sink in...

me - i'm going try living in fat cat's head-space a bit more.

one of my very favorite poems

i have been thinking about this poem a lot lately because of all the spring flowers i have been enjoying (there is a line "flesh like the bright puffs the flower-god puts on in spring, flimsy for needing to last"). as you know if you have been reading my blog, i have been been wrapping my head around the idea of non-permanence when it comes to life, so that line would echo in my head when i would see a flower. i have been trying to let things be what they are and enjoy each moment i have on its own terms without thinking how it won't last or how i want it to be different. i still have a long way to go, but hey, life's about the journey, right?

this poem is by a poet i found in a sort of unusal way :) back when i was first dating nathaniel and kim was first dating james, she and i went to ogden to meet the boys. we had planned to meet them in one of those book/music/movie mega-stores, and we got there before them. so we were over in the poetry aisle and we spotted a book titled "10 poems to change your life". kim and i scoff (we are sort of poetry elitists) and i open the book at random to see if my life was about to be changed. the poem that i opened to was called "last gods" by galway kinnell. i read it aloud and kim and i just sat there speechless when it was done. i quietly and carefully placed the book back on the shelf, giving the poem the reverence it deserved, and thus was born my adoration of galway kinnell.

the poem i want to share isn't actually "last gods" though i highly recommend the poem. it's in his book "when one has spent a long time alone", as is the poem i am about to share.

so... without further ado i give you...
AGAPE
I want to touch her.
Once. Again. I will wait
if I must. Outwait.
Wait so long she will age,
pull even, pass. How
will she like it then if
when i bend to kiss wrinkles
ray out around her
mouth? I want to hold her.
In the flesh. All night.
Flesh like the bright
puffs the flower-god
puts on in spring, flimsy
for needing to last
but this one flashing
circuit through her
apparitions. Did she fear,
when i stood with the
precipice at my back
and beckoned, that i was a specter
she would plunge through?
At the agape, love's addicts
lie back, drink, listen
to a priestess discourse
on love rightly understood.
As soon as cured anyone
can get up and go over
and bestow the Kiss
on anyone. Now the others
have disappeared - maybe
cured, probably joining lips
behind doors. It is
the Fourth Cup - the hour
for the breaking of the
transubstantiated body.
What if we break, the priestess
and I, the body
together? And I fall
in fear and longing?
And she commands me to
dissolve in the light
of love rightly understood,
or if i can't, to put
a gun to my head? I don't want
to know that on the other
side of the pillow nobody
stirs. I don't want ever
again to sit up half the night
and laugh and forget not
all of us will rejoice
like this always.

she moves in mysterious ways

so, for some unknown reason whenever my mother posts a new blog (broccoli4breakfast.wordpress.com) my facebook profile posts it on my wall - as me, not my mom. i am not sure what setting i changed to make that happen, but i liked knowing when my mom posts anyway, so i'm not too concerned.

anyway, on monday my mom posted a new blog and i got this comment from a friend

"Kat! Did I tell you I'm just finishing up my certification to teach/facilitate 'The Work?' Come for a session or two... it's great stuff and I could totally see you using/teaching it as well!"

i hadn't even had a chance to read my mom's blog. i responded that i would love to come do this "Work" (though i didn't know what this "Work" was), so we have been setting up a time to do this. today i finally got a chance to sit down and read my mom's post. it turns out that the whole post is on a system of overhauling your thought patterns with the goal of creating joy in your life at all times developed by byron katie. her system is called "The Work".

i had no idea that my friend's certification was the same thing my mom has been into since she received katie's book from our friend knate while she was visiting me last month. so, i am going to visit a group that does this "Work" tomorrow. i have been working hard over the past couple years to release anger from my life, so i look forward to this chance happening.
more joy for everyone!

it'll be ok

today was our first farmers market, we have both been excited since yesterday because this was the trial run of "can kevin make enough money doing this while i still don;t have my teaching license?" i spent a lot of time yesterday making our signs and kevin was busy getting his stuff ready.

when we got there today, the shade we had been promised was non-existent, the chairs we were expecting were non-existent, and we were allotted half a table (my fault for signing up for the wrong thing). so we set up - and i cry - ... i told kevin i was sad because we looked so unprofessional. kevin didn't understand my sadness until he saw people literally render us invisible because we had no canopy. our society is all about presentation.

after about an hour, one of the managers came up to us and offered us her canopy - and from then on we rocked it as hard as we could, we actually ended up doing much better than we thought we would at this particular venue. and i think we can actually make a go of this urban farming as a job.

it's all good - even if i get sad sometimes

so, i started my new job this week. i am lucky because my immediate "boss" is a good college friend of mine who knows that i am valuable to the program already, so i don't have to pretend i never have a cup of wine or that i don't have tattoos to make her realize that i am good at my job (yes, utah is like that - even salt lake, though not to as great an extent as ogden).
i have second graders this summer. before this summer, i thought that what i really wanted was to just teach kinders, but would be ooo-k(?) with first - but it was nonsense - i love all the littles. i think i am just going to get my degree so that i could teach any elementary grade. i am seeing that each year has its own special treasures and challenges - just like everything in life.
i am, however, looking forward to finding a job where i can STAY. one of the reasons i don't want to leave parkview is that i LOVE watching my kinders grow, and i LOVE how i get letters from pre-k kids saying how they hope they have me as a teacher because i had their sibling. but i know that i will develop that at any school i go to. and i think that my principal has created a culture of fear at my school, and that's not what i want.
sometimes i think it might be boring to read about how much i love my job and my man and my daughter, but that's where i'm at. i mean, i get depressed - mostly over money. i don't want to be rich, but i am tired of worrying if i can even pay my bills. i am sad that kevin and i have both found what we LOVE to do, but society doesn't choose to honor either of our (FUNDAMENTAL) career choices with much monetary compensation. and like i said, i'm not all about money - i am just tired of scraping to pay my bills.
i guess what i want to leave this blog with, is that i feel blessed - every day. i have an amazing love, amazing family/friends, and an amazing job.

moving on...or, at least trying to

today was the last day of the school year. i found out just last week that i have a job to come back to next year, but that they weren't sure where they were going to put me. last week, they said either i would be in kindergarten again or in the 3rd grade bilingual class. i was cool with either. then my favorite teacher there (who is retiring) told me that the 1st grade bilingual asked if she could have me and apparently was told yes. i was pretty excited about this, because i would really enjoy working with that particular teacher. on my way out of the building today, i stopped to ask if they had solidified my position for next year. i was told, not really, but not in kindergarten and most likely not even in a classroom. i would do things like babysit the in school suspension and the playground, and do groups like ERI (early reading intervention - a scripted curriculum that is my least favorite part of my job). so i am pretty depressed.

i came home and updated my resume. so next week starts a new job hunt. i am thankful that i have a job for next year to fall back on, since i know that my district is cutting people all over. i just know that i belong in the classroom, and i need to work for someone who realizes that. so fingers crossed. universe? help me out? it's frustrating to know exactly what you want to do with your life, and then have people or circumstances prevent you from doing that. all i want is to be in a classroom...

endings

well, tomorrow is our kindergarten musical celebration and "graduation". it's so amazing to think back to the first month of school and how much they have all grown and learned. i really wish i could post some pictures of them with this blog so you could see how utterly amazing my kinders are, but apparently that's a no no. i feel so blessed to be able to spend my working life with these precious little souls. i know many of them come from some difficult home situations, but at least i know that while i'm around they are all cherished.

i cry every year at the end. i know i will still see most of them next year, but i still miss them. we sing a song called "the children of many colors". here are the lyrics:
from the ocean, cross the desert, to the mountain high
live our people, hear our voices, rising to the sky

*(chorus)we are the children of many colors
and ever since our birth,
we've been sisters, we've been brothers
and we live on mother earth*

sun of daylight, moon of midnight, guard our mother's land
we together, must protect her, every grain of sand

*chorus*

we move to the rhythm of the circle of life
and listen to earth's song
we dance to nature's heartbeat
and keep our mother strong

we all share the water we drink, the food we eat, the air we breathe
we all share the skies above, the river below, the land we love

*chorus*
-end of lyrics-

so, imagine 75 ethnically diverse 5 and 6 year olds singing this song. ya, it's that adorable and heart wrenching. it gets me every time. then we go back to our classroom and they get their "diplomas". we all made construction paper grad caps as well - TOO CUTE! and i cry again. someday i will have my own classroom.

stopping to smell the flowers

well, my mom left today. it was a teary goodbye. i am trying not to be too sad though. i will try to make it out next month to see her.

i went over to the big garden with kevin this afternoon just after it had rained. the house next to the big garden is full of iris, roses, and peonies. i did not know until my mom's visit that irises smell amazing! i always assumed that since they were such decorative flowers that they probably didn't smell that pleasant. while my mom was here, we were taking a walk and she stopped to smell an iris and told me that iris was one of her favorite scents. so i smelled one, and they are incredible! while i was waiting for kevin to be done building his fence, i noticed that some of the flowers had raindrops still on them, and it was beautiful. so i took a couple pictures with my cell phone. i bent to smell all the flowers and had kevin come join me. it reminded me of my mom. i am glad that she is helping me stop and smell the flowers and realize how precious and amazing life is. no one knows when their time comes to pass from this life, so do yourself a favor and go smell some flowers while you still can.

here's to you, mom!