lots of stuff rollin' in my brain

i am pretty sure this whole blog will be disjointed because the major things on my brain seem disparate.
the first has been plaguing me for a while - well, since i found my joy really. i have these momentary panic attacks. they aren't frequent or incapacitating. but i am sooooo grateful for the people in my life right now and for my life in general that i flash on instances of tragedy involving my loved ones and i experience panic. it's ironic to me that through some of the darkest, most dangerous times of my life i never experienced this panic. through some of the pretty bad stuff i have experienced i never worried about the future like i do now. even though there was probably a far higher statistical probability of something bad happening i was too embroiled in what was going to worry about it much. but now that i have something good i am at times TERRIFIED of losing it.
that brings me to another issue i have been dealing with. no one following my blog knows this about me, but i am remarkably free of guilt most of my life. i have always chosen to view things that i would classify as mistakes in my life as tools that helped shape me for good or ill and not to waste time regretting things. but that has been changing as of late. i keep having flashbacks of things that happened when cass was younger and i have intense flashes of guilt. i view guilt as useless emotion because we can't change the past, we can only make choices from this point on - yet here i am assaulted by guilt. i did horrible things.
the next thing is about my mother. she is working on releasing cancer right now. and over the past - well since i got prego - my mom and i have developed a pretty cool relationship. i think our relationship is pretty symbiotic at this point. so especially lately i feel like i am getting these messages for her. i am glad that our relationship is such that she listens to me when i have these revelations. i don't feel at liberty to discuss them because i feel like i get messages for her because she listens to me. but i can say that i think she needs to come live with us on our farm whenever we get it.
this brings me back to my guilt feelings surrounding cass. i know my mother struggles with guilt as far as her kids are concerned FAR more than i do. so once again i hope that through all the things i wish i could do over that i someday have the open and loving relationship that i have with my mom, with my daughter.
and finally - sometimes i am scared of losing my mom. i hesitate to say this in print because like a dear friend told me - fear is like a negative prayer. in the sense that i believe that the brain is capable of amazing feats - but when i give in to fear for my mom, i am sending energy that is not healing. it was kinda brought home to me today when i was talking to my mom and she was telling me how most of the time she could stay positive, but the pain interfered. so iam going to break down right here and say it -
I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE a hundred thousand million times infinty