breathing easier

VS.










i chose that title because i am amazed right now how i am LITERALLY breathing easier after my "Work" session with my friend. tonight i tackled one of my biggies, that i have recently realized is the underlying cause of many of my stress thoughts. i am breathing easier because i really feel like my chest has been let go from some kind of binding instrument. so, the following blog is really me processing some epiphanies so feel free to skip it - or not :)

it started with me trying to get at why i am so deeply conflict phobic. it's really bizarre if you could see me in action - or should i say inaction. i am petrified - literally sometimes - to speak up for myself, even to complete strangers on the phone let alone with someone who matters in my life. then i fight with myself because i say, "katrisa, this is ridiculous. grow an ovary or two and speak up! what are you afraid of?" And when i ask myself that question, i am at a loss to answer it. what the hell AM i afraid of? i have been having this fight with myself for years to no avail. so i decided to try the "Work" and see if maybe i couldn't get somewhere finally (though i admit i was skeptical). Anyway, it became apparent to me over several session of trying to get at the issue but not, what the actual issue is.

now it may seem like an overstatement - and it is - but there is a part of me that REALLY believes it - that the world is not a safe place to be me. without getting into specifics, there have been times in my life where it was absolutely NOT safe to be me, which is one of the reasons that this belief is locked up somewhere inside my psyche. so when i was asked "is that thought true?" i had to say, "sometimes, hell yes it is - AND i know that absolutely." but then i had to look back at my original statement "the world is not a safe place to be me" and i had to admit that some true experiences did not make the whole world unsafe - because that is how i was treating the world.

so then she asked me what was my payoff in having this belief. i had to admit that i was trying to keep myself safe, but that in reality holding on to that belief really did not affect my day to day safety. in fact - and here's the kicker - if you are always worrying about what might happen, what others might think feel or say if you say or do something then you are always a little bit afraid. after all, let's call a spade a spade - worry is fear. so when your mind is always shooting out these tendrils of fear all the time - how do you know when to listen when your genuine alarm system kicks in to alert you to real danger? it's not that danger to your safety does not exist, but what good is the belief that world is not safe when it causes you to live out of sync with your true self? Not to mention that the VAST majority, if not all, of the random ways i don't stand up for myself are not really related to my safety anyway.

even after all of that realizing going on, i still had a hard time imagining my world without that thought. so what a blessing when i realized that i DO know what it feels like to live without that thought. that is why i go to festivals like dreamtime and element 11. i let go of that thought while i am there and i am just me; that's why i love going there so much! that realization just busted the whole thing wide open for me. so i know that i am not just over this issue, just like that. i know that i have work ahead of me, because the thought of being open and honest with some people in my life still makes me want to hightail it back into that imaginary safe zone where i hide, but at least now i see the crack of light shining through that shut door, and i know that it IS possible to live without fear paralyzing me.