Last Rites (from Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle)

I think this is darling

"God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So god said to the mud, 'Sit up!'
'See all I made', said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars'
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job god had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I got so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank You for the honor!
Now the mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait..."

lots of stuff rollin' in my brain

i am pretty sure this whole blog will be disjointed because the major things on my brain seem disparate.
the first has been plaguing me for a while - well, since i found my joy really. i have these momentary panic attacks. they aren't frequent or incapacitating. but i am sooooo grateful for the people in my life right now and for my life in general that i flash on instances of tragedy involving my loved ones and i experience panic. it's ironic to me that through some of the darkest, most dangerous times of my life i never experienced this panic. through some of the pretty bad stuff i have experienced i never worried about the future like i do now. even though there was probably a far higher statistical probability of something bad happening i was too embroiled in what was going to worry about it much. but now that i have something good i am at times TERRIFIED of losing it.
that brings me to another issue i have been dealing with. no one following my blog knows this about me, but i am remarkably free of guilt most of my life. i have always chosen to view things that i would classify as mistakes in my life as tools that helped shape me for good or ill and not to waste time regretting things. but that has been changing as of late. i keep having flashbacks of things that happened when cass was younger and i have intense flashes of guilt. i view guilt as useless emotion because we can't change the past, we can only make choices from this point on - yet here i am assaulted by guilt. i did horrible things.
the next thing is about my mother. she is working on releasing cancer right now. and over the past - well since i got prego - my mom and i have developed a pretty cool relationship. i think our relationship is pretty symbiotic at this point. so especially lately i feel like i am getting these messages for her. i am glad that our relationship is such that she listens to me when i have these revelations. i don't feel at liberty to discuss them because i feel like i get messages for her because she listens to me. but i can say that i think she needs to come live with us on our farm whenever we get it.
this brings me back to my guilt feelings surrounding cass. i know my mother struggles with guilt as far as her kids are concerned FAR more than i do. so once again i hope that through all the things i wish i could do over that i someday have the open and loving relationship that i have with my mom, with my daughter.
and finally - sometimes i am scared of losing my mom. i hesitate to say this in print because like a dear friend told me - fear is like a negative prayer. in the sense that i believe that the brain is capable of amazing feats - but when i give in to fear for my mom, i am sending energy that is not healing. it was kinda brought home to me today when i was talking to my mom and she was telling me how most of the time she could stay positive, but the pain interfered. so iam going to break down right here and say it -
I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE a hundred thousand million times infinty

giving and taking

kevin has been wanting me to read a book called "the vision" for quite some time now. it is the story of a native american shaman and scout who decided to take on an 8 year old white kid as his apprentice. the book is written by the 8 year old as an adult about his experiences being taught by stalking wolf (grandfather).

anyway, i have been reading it today. and i am touched to my soul at the descriptions of the reverence the author holds for our planet and for all life on our planet. i see now why pookie wanted me me to read it - because that's the sort of rapture he feels. that's why he wants to be an organic subsistence farmer. i am a very book oriented person, and in reading this book i get a feel for what kevin feels.

part of me in reading this feels a loss because i do not experience the joy of nature very readily. i am a city girl through and through, and i live in my head A LOT. i am also a little sad because though i know that our earth is my kevin's deity, it took someone else's words to bring it home to me. i also love that my kevin knows this about me and that's why he wanted me to read this book.

i am grateful to kevin for opening my eyes to our responsibility as stewards of the earth. and for helping me be more aware of how my decisions affect the web of life. i am still learning to open myself to the myriad beauties of nature and how incredibly wonderful our amazing planet really is.

i am well aware of the gifts that kevin brings to my life (other than the obvious one of loving me), but i started to think about what i bring him as well (besides the obvious one of loving him). when he came to visit on friday he was all sorts of bent out of shape but didn't know why. i think the gift that i bring the relationship is my carefree spirit. kevin worries A LOT. and i rarely do. i have my moments - just recently i posted on FB that i wanted to sleep until thigs didn't suck so much. but when i was polled by some friends about that post i revealed that i was really just pissed about money, but not in a serious way. i have a genuine ability to roll with the punches and come out smiling. and i think that is my gift to kevin - to help him see that you don't have to worry so much because mostly it's a waste of your energy.

so he helps me feel connected to our amazing planet and i help him take a chill pill. we both have a long road ahead of us in bestowing our respective gifts - but i am confident that our love is making the world a better place.

compromising on things that matter

ok, first some background to my dilema. though i have been a vegetarian for 12 years now, it has only been in the last year that i really started to think about the food i eat in depth. through my research, i have become increasingly convinced that it is the processing of foods that does the most damage to our health. i have also become an adamant supporter or organic foods, both for the health of my family and for the health of our planet.
my 10 year old, cassidy, has always been overly sensitive to not fitting in. so the fact that i raise her veggie has always made her feel like she stands out. but my newer convictions, about processed food especially, i think she takes worse. previously we ate A LOT of stuff i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole now - even though they were vegetarian.
so, cass had a friend sleep over last night (the state of utah has a four day school weekend). and i want to help her not feel like her mom is a total freak, so i bought them pizza and cookies. then cassidy asks me for soda, and movie treats, and the list goes on and on! i mean, i am already trying to compromise with her by feeding her stuff i would never on a normal day, and then i get pestered with all these requests and i just want to scream. i mean, i am making many sacrifices in other areas of my life so that i can feed my family food without chemicals and preservatives and added sugar. i spend more on food a month than i spend on rent because what i put into my daughter's body matters a great deal to me. i was less informed for much of her life (plus she macks fast food crap when she visits her dad) i used to feed her stuff that i won't now. but it killed me when she had her friend over here. i was already trying to sacrifice something that mattered to me because i know that the more rigid you are about something then more likely they are to reject it on principle, but this experience made me not want her to have her friends over for the night anymore.
i mean, i have had to deal with the fact that she eats things i would prefer she didn't, but it has always been other places. i feel like my home is the last safe food place for my daughter, but when i say she can a friend over then my safe place becomes a war zone over food. i am at a loss :( :( :( i don't want to say she can't have friends spend the night, but i don't want this food war brought home.
and let me say here that the letting go of what she eats outside the house has been HUGE for me.
i know every parent has their things that they try to do for their child because they truly feel like it's the best thing for them. i mean - how pissed is my dad at me? at least my concern is for her health is in this life - my dad believes that he will be separated from me for eternity for my lack of following what he tried to instill in me, whereas he will get to enjoy my sis and her hubby for eternity.
i am just really struggling with this issue, and i'm sure this will not be the last time i need to write about it.