so, this week has been epic for me (in a BAD way) for nightmares. i will spare you all the blow by blow descriptions - but suffice it to say that they involve vivid images of horrid things happening to me or my loved ones. a few days ago i told my mom about two of my nightmares and she said "it seems like you are grappling with fears of life and death." but this blog is inspired by one of my nightmares - so bear with me.
last night i dreamed that i went across the street to see my mom and she told me that she was just too tired and couldn't handle her job. and then she looked at me and said, "you know what i am wishing for" and i responded that i didn't. and she said "yes, you do." and then she told me that she was wishing to die. i told her not to wish for that because our thoughts are powerful and she said, "i know"
i woke up crying, but went back to sleep in the same dream. in the dream i told kevin that he needed to check my mom's apartment each day because i didn't want to find her dead.
today - in real life - i told my mom about my dream (as i have told her about my nightmare marathon) and when i came to the part where she told me "you know what i wish for?" and i told her it was death - she said - "yeah, i feel ready" (in real life she said this)
so for all day since i had this conversation with her i have been thinking about feeling ready to die. the last 5 or so years of my life have been the best of my life - in fact, i have developed anxiety (which i never had before) because i worry about the happiness i have being disrupted by death. and i know my mom is in pain and has a hard time even moving now - but from my view - i find it hard to to prefer death to never being able to see the sun shine in an impossibly beautiful sky.
she assured me that her passive death wish would not be fulfilled because of her strong norwegian blood - but i see a marked difference from the woman who battled cancer with alternative methods to the one who told me today she does indeed wish to die...
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Well, I have so much to say that I should probably just email you. First, sorry about your tough week, nighttime wise. I've been there, and I am there with the anxiety too. Since M died, I have had terrible anxiety. I will say, (and just to be honest, I fail at this all the time)trying to remember that worrying about your happiness being disrupted, whether by death or something else, takes away from you enjoying today. As I tell myself constantly, all the worrying in the world doesn't protect you from something bad happening, it only takes away from enjoyment of the now.
ReplyDeleteAs for your mom, she didn't really say she wished to die. She said she was ready. Maybe you think I'm splitting hairs, but to me there is a difference. I've also been in a place where I had terrible day to day physical pain. It's rough. At one point when I was going through mine, I told my mom, "this is no way to live". Physical daily pain is exhausting emotionally. You use up your reserves quickly. I guess I am just saying, try not to worry about your mom, but just have a little understanding of where she might be coming from. I don't think what she said means you need to worry about her doing something, it just means she is showing her exhaustion. I feel like I babbled a bit here and i hope I made a little bit of sense. Email me sweetie if you want to chat.
Hoping you have sweet peaceful dreams tonight.
Sloane
Katrisa this is such an interesting post. I have recently been investigating dreams and dream work with a friend of mine who is an intuitive counselor. Nightmares are the best, most rich source of information from the collective conscious. They are absolutely packed to the brim with vital messages for our personal growth and wish fulfillment. Besides opening up this wonderful channel of inquiry between you and your mom, my hunch is that there is a lot more in there for you. Be ready for some surprises.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to start by writing all the details, the best you can recall, and maybe even keep a journal right by your pillow to capture the parts that seem to evaporate so quickly. As you write you may have insights dawn.
After you write go back and look for homophones. For example, one woman I know had a dream about a mailman - uniform and all. The dream turned out to be about 'male' men and her relationship to gender. That's just an example, but it's a nice one showing where you can just suddenly SEE the message.
Anyway. I have a new appreciation of how to 'unpack' a dream AND an appreciation of how nightmares are IMPORTANT messages packed in a potent mix of emotion to enable us to remember the pieces. Please pay attention, I know you are, but you just may be the recipient of some very important guidance here.
What are your three biggest, most urgent questions right now?
loving you,
Pam
My anxiety has been terrible over the last seven months since my brother died.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am in no way depressed or suicidal, but I can see how death offers a certain perspective of relief or freedom. I now think of it as a graduation.
Pam and Sophia both - i hadn't returned to see the comments until now. both of you give me food for thought.
ReplyDeletepam - one thing i think is interesting about my nightmares from this time is that i had different horrible nightmares every night for like a week! all of them involved the loss of a family member.
sophia - i also see how death can be seen as a release and not necessarily a bad thing. and i appreciate your perspective having recently lost someone close to you - how the anxiety and acceptance both come into play
Your friends were right, Kat, especially that I didn't want to die, I just was ready, that I was okay with it if it happened. Since accepting death as a friend (and remember, I'm a Scorpio, and my number is 13--Death--so it's not as scary for me as it is for other folks!), I enjoy those impossibly beautiful skies even more. I'm so glad I didn't read your blog at the time you wrote it, for I would not have confided in you like I did. You have always been the person I could confide in in this deep way and you didn't seem to be afraid when I expressed my true feelings. If I'd known it caused you so much anxiety, I would never have told you. I love the way the Universe works things out just perfectly!
ReplyDelete