my god and letting go

this spring i was talking to my sister and had an emotional upheaval. we were talking about our dad and i began to cry as i told her that i have forgiven my father much, knowing that he's only human, but there is one thing i could not get over. that was when cass was 18 months old and i was back in san diego visiting. i called my dad because i was in an abusive relationship with a substance abuser and i needed to get out. i had about 2 years left to finish college and a near infant so my prospects were not too bright. i called my dad and told him the situation i was in and asked him if i could come stay with him while i finished college. i told him i would follow his religious and house rules while under his roof - and he told me no. having a daughter myself, i think there is NO WAY i could turn down my daughter in that situation and i didn't realize until talking to my sister how MUCH i was still hurt and angry over that incident.

this summer i went to the dreamtime festival and went to a women's guided meditation workshop and at one point we were asked to to find the hurt places in us and let them go. the place i went to was that conversation with my dad and i could NOT let it go. some fundamental place in me denied letting it go because it was NOT RIGHT. that sort of shocked me because i wondered why it so important to me to hang on to that anger and hurt - just because i thought i would have chosen better in his situation.

so i have been searching this out since that meditation. and i realized that when we hold on to hurt or negatvity we are creating spots in our being that can't be filled with love because hurt is already there taking the space. i was talking to my bro-in-law (who is very devout religious) tonight about how my god is love. i think love is what makes the world go round and our capacity for love is as infinite as we let it be. in that sense, the more full of love we are, the closer we become to divine beings. i also realized that forgivness is more about the forgiver than the forgiven. my personal hurt and anger isn't "punishing" my father; all it's doing is taking up space where joy could be instead. i can still not agree with the choice my dad made but i don't have to hold on to it - so i am letting it go. and now there is an open space ready for love and joy and i can feel it already filling in!