sadness and gratitude

i went to the library today and got two of vandana shiva's books, water wars and monoculture of the mind. i became interested in her because she keeps appearing in documentaries kev and i have been watching. i am in the middle of water wars right now. the book begins with a hymn from the rig veda which i wouold like to reproduce.

waters, you are the ones that bring us the life force.
help us to find nourishment,
so that we may look upon great joy.
let us share in the most delicious sap that you have,
as if you are loving mothers,
let us go straight to the house of the one,
for whom you waters gave us life and gave us birth.
for our well-being, let the goddeses be an aid to us,
the waters be for us to drink.
let them cause well-being and health to flow over us.
mistresses of all the things that are chosen,
rulers over all peoples,
the waters are the ones i beg for a cure.
waters - yield your cure as armor for my body,
so that i may see the sun a long time.
waters - carry away all of this that has gone bad in me.
either that i have done in malicious deceit,
or whatever lie i have sworn to,
i here sort the waters today.
we have joined with their sap,
oh agni, full of moisture,
come and flood me with splendor!


the book then turns to water crises all over the world. my heart hurts for what is being done to our planet and to the people on this planet by greed. the contrast between the reverence suggested in the hymn and reckless and often downright evil ways use water now makes me want to cry. we take so much for granted. i said recently in a survey that if i could have a super power it would be an empathy ray because the world is sadly lacking in empathy.

even though some of the stuff i am learning makes me sad, i am glad i am learning about it. and it brings into sharp focus how much kevin has blessed my life in ways beyond just loving me. before i was with him, i gave about as much thought to my actions and how they affect the web of life as the average american - little to none. but over the past two years, kevin's ecological conscience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. life, in all its manifestations, ais precious and every time i choose to spend more money on something organic - not just because its better for me but because i genuinely care that the farmland that created the food was not poisoned so that i could have bell pepper - i feel more connected. i realize that each choice i make has consequences, however small, and thank kevin for opening my eyes to that fact. i know i am not perfect, but every little bit helps. at first the thought of living in a cob house in the middle of nowhere with kevin's rain collecting and energy generating devices freaked me out quite a bit, but now i understand why he wants these things, and i am ok with that.

my god and letting go

this spring i was talking to my sister and had an emotional upheaval. we were talking about our dad and i began to cry as i told her that i have forgiven my father much, knowing that he's only human, but there is one thing i could not get over. that was when cass was 18 months old and i was back in san diego visiting. i called my dad because i was in an abusive relationship with a substance abuser and i needed to get out. i had about 2 years left to finish college and a near infant so my prospects were not too bright. i called my dad and told him the situation i was in and asked him if i could come stay with him while i finished college. i told him i would follow his religious and house rules while under his roof - and he told me no. having a daughter myself, i think there is NO WAY i could turn down my daughter in that situation and i didn't realize until talking to my sister how MUCH i was still hurt and angry over that incident.

this summer i went to the dreamtime festival and went to a women's guided meditation workshop and at one point we were asked to to find the hurt places in us and let them go. the place i went to was that conversation with my dad and i could NOT let it go. some fundamental place in me denied letting it go because it was NOT RIGHT. that sort of shocked me because i wondered why it so important to me to hang on to that anger and hurt - just because i thought i would have chosen better in his situation.

so i have been searching this out since that meditation. and i realized that when we hold on to hurt or negatvity we are creating spots in our being that can't be filled with love because hurt is already there taking the space. i was talking to my bro-in-law (who is very devout religious) tonight about how my god is love. i think love is what makes the world go round and our capacity for love is as infinite as we let it be. in that sense, the more full of love we are, the closer we become to divine beings. i also realized that forgivness is more about the forgiver than the forgiven. my personal hurt and anger isn't "punishing" my father; all it's doing is taking up space where joy could be instead. i can still not agree with the choice my dad made but i don't have to hold on to it - so i am letting it go. and now there is an open space ready for love and joy and i can feel it already filling in!