Nightmares

so, this week has been epic for me (in a BAD way) for nightmares. i will spare you all the blow by blow descriptions - but suffice it to say that they involve vivid images of horrid things happening to me or my loved ones. a few days ago i told my mom about two of my nightmares and she said "it seems like you are grappling with fears of life and death." but this blog is inspired by one of my nightmares - so bear with me.

last night i dreamed that i went across the street to see my mom and she told me that she was just too tired and couldn't handle her job. and then she looked at me and said, "you know what i am wishing for" and i responded that i didn't. and she said "yes, you do." and then she told me that she was wishing to die. i told her not to wish for that because our thoughts are powerful and she said, "i know"

i woke up crying, but went back to sleep in the same dream. in the dream i told kevin that he needed to check my mom's apartment each day because i didn't want to find her dead.

today - in real life - i told my mom about my dream (as i have told her about my nightmare marathon) and when i came to the part where she told me "you know what i wish for?" and i told her it was death - she said - "yeah, i feel ready" (in real life she said this)

so for all day since i had this conversation with her i have been thinking about feeling ready to die. the last 5 or so years of my life have been the best of my life - in fact, i have developed anxiety (which i never had before) because i worry about the happiness i have being disrupted by death. and i know my mom is in pain and has a hard time even moving now - but from my view - i find it hard to to prefer death to never being able to see the sun shine in an impossibly beautiful sky.

she assured me that her passive death wish would not be fulfilled because of her strong norwegian blood - but i see a marked difference from the woman who battled cancer with alternative methods to the one who told me today she does indeed wish to die...