think the universe isn't listening?

last week i was talking to one of my best friends who has transformed himself in the last year. he has gone from a pretty scary alcohol addiction to a sober, whole and peaceful place. it has been a joy to see his transformation. he called me the other day because he was having a sad day. he has dedicated his life to healing (both himself and others) and was feeling sad because he faces the possibility of losing his house and he feels lonely. i was sitting outside on a sidewalk talking to him on my phone. he said to me, "pix i just feel like i surrendered my life to this path and now the universe isn't stepping up to the plate." through our talk, we both came to realize that there are so many factors working to support us every second, and that just because support doesn't come in the particular form that we want it to, doesn't mean we aren't supported. in the middle of this conversation, a teenage boy rides down the sidewalk on a bike and as he passes me points his finger, looks right at me and just says "endure!" and then rides on down the street. i told my friend that the universe just gave him a message. this just brought home to me how much we are all taken care of every minute, and we are never alone.

wow, mom!

this is a funny little side note that happened last weekend. cass regularly asks me questions like "who's the prettiest mommy?" and i answer "me?", or will just come up and hug me and tell me that i am beautiful. i have a real sweetie for a daughter. anyway, last weekend i busted out my senior yearbook to show her. when we came to my picture, she was kinda in awe. "WOW, mom! you were pretty!" it just makes me laugh. i remember seeing my dad's yearbook when i was young and thinking "crazy! dad was cute?" you always see you your parents through your love lens and they are beautiful, but it's a shock to see them young.
nowadays, i will take the extra pounds and fine lines gladly in exchange for the greater peace and wisdom that i have, and for the people who just love me no matter what i look like. but it is still fun to see my daughter's shocked face as she looks at my teenage-ness :)

thanks for gifts and miracles

i haven't written in a while because apparently i am really sensitive to being interrupted when i write. i was mid-blog after my portland trip and my fam was urging me to spend time with them so i quit mid-blog. i never finished that blog and am only now writing again - only because it REALLY needs to be expressed.

there are a couple of things that are expressing need to be expressed right now. mostly, my mother was pronounced cancer free this week. the story is a funny one. she went to the ER for something (i don't know or care because it's secondary to the story). side note - she just started seeing a naturopath in portland recently. at the ER she asked the docs to do a scan because her naturopath was wondering if she still had a cervix (she had a hysterectomy 13 years ago). The opinion came back that not onlydid she have a cervix, but a uterus too AND no cancer. WHAT??!! we all think. the no cancer pronunciation is suspect - at least in my mind - because of the "you have a uterus" thing.

a week later she goes to her naturopath (who is also an MD for anyone who thinks that naturopaths are fake doctors) who gives her an ultrasound that reveals - no cancer and no uterus.

i think the main point of this blog post is that before i went to visit my mom in portland, i had to actively fight off tears on a regular basis over the prospect of losing my mom. while i was there i dealt with a lot of those feelings. i came back with a better grip on life without my mom. and now here are doctors saying cancer is gone! i feel like i have been a very special gift - that of dealing best i could with losing her. i mean, nobody knows when anybody is going to die - that is out of our hands. all we really have is our reaction. though it has been rough at times, i am thankful for the experience. now i can enjoy my mom even more because i had to face the prospect of not having her