i try not to dwell too much on the possibility of life without my mother, but it's always a nagging feeling there in the back of my mind. i know that nobody has any guarantees on life, but dealing with an illness in someone you love makes you ponder death more often than you otherwise would. every time i imagine my mother being gone it's too much for my brain to handle. my mother is one of my best friends and i think the world is a better place for her being in it. i know that her influence and the good she has done will live on after she does, but i can't hug influence. i wish that i could go live in portland too, or that salt lake was better option for my mom to live. i am a bit jealous that my brother and adrienne get to have my mom.
mom is sleeping right now. she is leaving tomorrow and i am sad about that. i wish i had more time to spend with her. at least i had this nice long weekend. i enjoyed cooking for her - we have always bonded over food. i have many things to be thankful for, but i wish i had more mom time.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
thankful for life's little surprises
i went and looked at my old blog today - the one i had on myspace. it was really fun to look back through it. it made me want to blog more, so here i am.
this has been an interesting few weeks. i got a call from my brother like three weeks ago saying that one of his friends just landed in salt lake and was supposed to be picked up by a friend in a school bus, but that the bus had broken down in flagstaff, so could his friend stay with us. (i know this friend btw; he wasn't a stranger or anything). so we said yes.the bus has taken a bit longer to fix than anticipated, but i am grateful for the time we have been able to spend with our friend. cassidy absolutely adores him - in fact i think she will have quite a hard time when he leaves next week. the experience has taught me that wonderful things come in unexpected packages.
as some of you know, my mom is dealing with illness. i picked up a random book from the library sale last month because it was by an author that i enjoy. it is called "the blue lantern" by collette. i started reading it, and it is written almost like a journal, it is not fiction (which i did not realize). at the time she wrote it, collette was in her 70s and was pretty much bedridden. the book is her musing over her life - both past and present. i was truck with how appreciative she was about life in all its ups and downs. it made me hope that i will feel and think like that when i am nearing the end of my life (assuming i don't die in fiery crash or some such thing). i decided that i wanted to give the book to my mother when she came to visit me. so the first week our unexpected guest was here, we were all hanging out in the living room. i said to kevin that i wanted to give my mom our blue lava lamp to go along with "the blue lantern". knate looks at me and says "what did you just say?" so i told him that i wanted to give that book to my mom. well, knate is a comic book guy and he tells me the following:
in the green lantern comics, the green lantern is powered by will, but other lanterns started to pop up. the other lanterns had different power sources (greed, rage, etc.). then came the blue lanterns - and they were powered by hope. i thought that was an amazing synchronicity.
my mom knows knate from when she lived in portland. so, when it became clear that he might still be here when my mom was due to be here, i decided not to say anything to my mom about him being here. for anyone who knows me, you know that is hard for me. i am a TERRIBLE secret keeper. BUT i pulled it off. i am SO glad i did too, because the look on my mom's face when she found knate on our couch was priceless!! first she noticed him, then came the look of recognition, followed closely by sheer confusion. you could almost read her thoughts (wait...knate? where am i? which child am i visiting? what city is this? am i going crazy?). it was amazing!
i hope i can get out to portland this summer to see my mom. it's very hard to process the idea of her not being around forever. i want to spend as much time with her as i can.
this has been an interesting few weeks. i got a call from my brother like three weeks ago saying that one of his friends just landed in salt lake and was supposed to be picked up by a friend in a school bus, but that the bus had broken down in flagstaff, so could his friend stay with us. (i know this friend btw; he wasn't a stranger or anything). so we said yes.the bus has taken a bit longer to fix than anticipated, but i am grateful for the time we have been able to spend with our friend. cassidy absolutely adores him - in fact i think she will have quite a hard time when he leaves next week. the experience has taught me that wonderful things come in unexpected packages.
as some of you know, my mom is dealing with illness. i picked up a random book from the library sale last month because it was by an author that i enjoy. it is called "the blue lantern" by collette. i started reading it, and it is written almost like a journal, it is not fiction (which i did not realize). at the time she wrote it, collette was in her 70s and was pretty much bedridden. the book is her musing over her life - both past and present. i was truck with how appreciative she was about life in all its ups and downs. it made me hope that i will feel and think like that when i am nearing the end of my life (assuming i don't die in fiery crash or some such thing). i decided that i wanted to give the book to my mother when she came to visit me. so the first week our unexpected guest was here, we were all hanging out in the living room. i said to kevin that i wanted to give my mom our blue lava lamp to go along with "the blue lantern". knate looks at me and says "what did you just say?" so i told him that i wanted to give that book to my mom. well, knate is a comic book guy and he tells me the following:
in the green lantern comics, the green lantern is powered by will, but other lanterns started to pop up. the other lanterns had different power sources (greed, rage, etc.). then came the blue lanterns - and they were powered by hope. i thought that was an amazing synchronicity.
my mom knows knate from when she lived in portland. so, when it became clear that he might still be here when my mom was due to be here, i decided not to say anything to my mom about him being here. for anyone who knows me, you know that is hard for me. i am a TERRIBLE secret keeper. BUT i pulled it off. i am SO glad i did too, because the look on my mom's face when she found knate on our couch was priceless!! first she noticed him, then came the look of recognition, followed closely by sheer confusion. you could almost read her thoughts (wait...knate? where am i? which child am i visiting? what city is this? am i going crazy?). it was amazing!
i hope i can get out to portland this summer to see my mom. it's very hard to process the idea of her not being around forever. i want to spend as much time with her as i can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)