i was reading a blog earlier written by one of my best friends (we actually think we supposed to be twin sisters *our birthdays are a couple weeks apart* but whoever was passing out the souls messed up). anyway, it got me thinking of her.
we met when i moved to dehesa from lemon grove at montgomery middle school. she was short like me, and we discovered that both of us had skipped a grade (though i think hers was 3rd and mine was 2nd)so we were both young for our grade. anyway, we were fast friends and from 7th grade through 10th grade i believe i spent more time at her house than mine. she was even my "date" for the 8th grade harbor cruise because we wanted to wear pretty dresses and go on a harbor cruise - boys be damned!
i am not going to go on a whole "everything i remember about the stuff we did" trip because that would take forever. *but watch out dana because i have a photo album in storage that is full of you and me in the early 90's and you better believe i'll scan them :)*
but in her blog she was talking about some hardships in her life and it made me think back on what a protector she has always been. we did some crazy teen stuff, but when i look back i see how much dana had her head on her shoulders even when we were being crazy. blonde jokes annoyed her because she is a natural blonde (with dark eyebrows - but i swear she is natural blonde) and smarter than most people i know. i have never been very authoritative and dana was definitely the driving force our duo :)she also looked out for me a lot. the first time i got drunk, a guy brought me into his room and dana immediately busted down the door and brought me bread. when i had a breakdown and left my house, she made brandon drive around his van until she found me and brought me to her house. there are many examples.
i guess why i have been thinking about this is because i have infinite faith that she will deal with her hardships in the best way possible. she has the best combination of level-headedness and heart of anyone i have met in my life. she is one of the best people in the world to have on your side. i left a comment to her when i read her blog about how i hope she remembers to take care of herself though. we have been apart a lot years now, so i don't know if she forgets to take care of herself - i could see it go either way. but, dana you are and have always been one of the most amazing women i know. our differences are superficial, but our sames go straight through.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
new perspective on an old hurt
so my kevin left to go dogsit for a week today. i was on my way to pick up cass from a birthday party (which was quite a drive because i can't take my car on the freeway) and i started to think about how much i felt like a part of me was missing because kevin was gone. and then it got me thinking about how i feel when cass goes away. when cass was smaller and wasn't with me, i REALLY felt like part of me was missing, but the older she gets, the less i feel like that.
in pondering this, i remembered an old painful memory. when i was maybe 13 or so, my mom met this "cool" guy named arne, i remember her coming to our house (my sibs and i lived with my dad) and announcing that she was engaged (to a guy she had known six weeks and we had never even met). and we were overjoyed for her - well at least i was - i can't speak for my sibs. when she took us to meet him i remember my little sis, who was probably 8, ran up to him and gave him a hug and said "hi new dad" and he stepped away and said to her "i don't DO dad". i was crushed for my sis and for us. it soon became apparent that arne didn't DO a lot of stuff (including get my mom even a token ring). it also became apparent that no DOing dad meant he didn't care much for any of us kids. so i decided if he wasn't going to DO a relationship with us, then i wasn't going to DO a relationship with him either.
at this point my mom had us two weekends a month and i told my mom that i wasn't going to come on her weekends if he was going to be there. and i remember her telling me "you won't be there forever. so if you are going to make me pick between you and arne, then i will pick arne" this killed me and our relationship was much damaged after that. i felt i had put up with a lot but her flat out telling me she would pick her new nasty boyfriend over me was a biggie. (he was a complete tool and she realized that after a few months as a side note).
to this day i think that is probably the most hurtful thing my mother has ever said to me (i have forgiven her by the way already). so, back to today in the car. i thought how different it feels when kevin goes and when cass goes. and i think i understand a bit more where my mom was coming from (not that i compare the situation exactly). i see that a mother can't build her life around a child forever. i mean, i am embarrassed to admit that cassidy's presence in my life has been the thing that has kept me going in the hardest times in my life. i feel bad that i have relied so heavily on her when i feel i should be the strong one. i know that many times it has been just her and i against he world. but i also know that part of loving her is allowing her to grow in the world. which means maybe being hurt, and most definitely being set free in the world.
i think my mother's comment to me all those years ago was coming more from fear, but i think i see a valid basis now. i think what my mom wasn't grasping is that just because your child isn't there to be your world when they grow, doesn't mean they abandon you. arne is LONG gone, yet my relationship with my mother has reached astounding depth that neither of us could imagine when i was 13. we are now simply beings, flawed in our own ways, who love each other and help each other in countless ways.
so back to the difference between cass leaving and kevin leaving. with kevin i have found the man with whom i want to share the day to day everythings of my life. and believe me - i know i have been rash with the falling in "love" my whole life. and that's how i know this is different. i am seriously making all the big, long-term decisions in my life according to what will best fit both my and kevin's dreams. so in one way i am bonding myself ever closer with kevin while detaching myself from cass. not in a love way, but in a plan for the future way. i am constructing my future with my and kevin's dreams, but cassidy's dreams are as of yet unformed.i am excited to find out what her dreams are and i will support her as best i can. but i realize that i cannot make decisions based on her dreams. and each time cass leaves it is a step toward our eventual relationship as true friends. i hope that we are close as my mother and i are when she is 32 and i am 54
in pondering this, i remembered an old painful memory. when i was maybe 13 or so, my mom met this "cool" guy named arne, i remember her coming to our house (my sibs and i lived with my dad) and announcing that she was engaged (to a guy she had known six weeks and we had never even met). and we were overjoyed for her - well at least i was - i can't speak for my sibs. when she took us to meet him i remember my little sis, who was probably 8, ran up to him and gave him a hug and said "hi new dad" and he stepped away and said to her "i don't DO dad". i was crushed for my sis and for us. it soon became apparent that arne didn't DO a lot of stuff (including get my mom even a token ring). it also became apparent that no DOing dad meant he didn't care much for any of us kids. so i decided if he wasn't going to DO a relationship with us, then i wasn't going to DO a relationship with him either.
at this point my mom had us two weekends a month and i told my mom that i wasn't going to come on her weekends if he was going to be there. and i remember her telling me "you won't be there forever. so if you are going to make me pick between you and arne, then i will pick arne" this killed me and our relationship was much damaged after that. i felt i had put up with a lot but her flat out telling me she would pick her new nasty boyfriend over me was a biggie. (he was a complete tool and she realized that after a few months as a side note).
to this day i think that is probably the most hurtful thing my mother has ever said to me (i have forgiven her by the way already). so, back to today in the car. i thought how different it feels when kevin goes and when cass goes. and i think i understand a bit more where my mom was coming from (not that i compare the situation exactly). i see that a mother can't build her life around a child forever. i mean, i am embarrassed to admit that cassidy's presence in my life has been the thing that has kept me going in the hardest times in my life. i feel bad that i have relied so heavily on her when i feel i should be the strong one. i know that many times it has been just her and i against he world. but i also know that part of loving her is allowing her to grow in the world. which means maybe being hurt, and most definitely being set free in the world.
i think my mother's comment to me all those years ago was coming more from fear, but i think i see a valid basis now. i think what my mom wasn't grasping is that just because your child isn't there to be your world when they grow, doesn't mean they abandon you. arne is LONG gone, yet my relationship with my mother has reached astounding depth that neither of us could imagine when i was 13. we are now simply beings, flawed in our own ways, who love each other and help each other in countless ways.
so back to the difference between cass leaving and kevin leaving. with kevin i have found the man with whom i want to share the day to day everythings of my life. and believe me - i know i have been rash with the falling in "love" my whole life. and that's how i know this is different. i am seriously making all the big, long-term decisions in my life according to what will best fit both my and kevin's dreams. so in one way i am bonding myself ever closer with kevin while detaching myself from cass. not in a love way, but in a plan for the future way. i am constructing my future with my and kevin's dreams, but cassidy's dreams are as of yet unformed.i am excited to find out what her dreams are and i will support her as best i can. but i realize that i cannot make decisions based on her dreams. and each time cass leaves it is a step toward our eventual relationship as true friends. i hope that we are close as my mother and i are when she is 32 and i am 54
Thursday, September 10, 2009
buzzing in my head
this is sort of a conglomeration of things that have been inhabiting my head mostly over the last week or so. some of it frustration i have over my job this year. the teachers i have worked with in the past have all treated me as basically a co-teacher. i helped them plan activities, pulled groups, read stories, and countless other things. this year i feel more like - oh, an office aide for the classroom. and yes, i realize that my job IS a classroom aide, but i used to feel more involved with teaching kids which is what i love to do. i don't even have an area this year and i spend much time collating papers, and even when i am working with the kids, it's as a wandering help-person rather than having any specific job to do. i don't know, maybe that's what most people who have my job do, but i was used to doing more and it makes me sad. i don't have a problem with the teacher; i just miss my old job.
this is a side note but also related to my work. every day at lunch if our kids do not want the hot lunch, they have the choice of totally packaged foods served in a plastic clam shell container (and no this is not going to be about the disgusting, preservative-laden food in our nation's schools - though i also have a problem with that.) anyway, i had seen the clam shells be collected by one of the paras at lunches the whole time i have worked at parkview, so i would collect my kids' also. i assumed we were recycling these (especially since unlike the plastic forks and spoons we also use every day, these clam shells never even touch food), and i would leave the ones i collected on top of where the kids get milk because i wasn't sure where the recycling bin for them was. earlier this year i handed the ones i just collected and watched as they were promptly put in the trash can. so i decided to see if we could recycle them. out on the playground i saw our secretary and asked her if it would be possible to get a recycling bin for the clam shells and was informed that the district won't ALLOW it. a teacher a few years ago tried and she said the district wouldn't budge citing federal health codes. WHAT??? so anyway, all that clean recyclable plastic cannot leave our cafeteria except in a trash can (except of course when we used to collect them for use in after-school art projects. too "toxic" to be recycled, but ok for art i guess. ) and my principal made it clear that she does not support the idea either, so fighting the district seems pointless if my own school doesn't agree with it either - so trash can it is.
with all this spinning in my brain i got an email about a possibility to go back to san diego. now at this stage it it purely in the "this floated through my brain - what do you think about it?" stage, but nonetheless there is now a ever-present burning desire to go home. i mean, i have always wanted to return to so cal, but had reconciled myself to the fact that i would never go back to live because i would never have the money. but i guess nothing is impossible, and the option, however slim at this point, of leaving utah makes me almost cry because I WANT TO SO BAD. i didn't realize how much i utterly dislike living in this state until the possibility of leaving came up. the other possible places we talked about were all about equally "meh" to me so i didn't think about it. i realize i had just resigned myself to the fact that i would never live anywhere i really wanted to again. i f i do get a chance to go home, i know it won't be forever because to have a farm in so cal is not a realistic dream and i am not asking kevin to forgo his dreams, but if i could get a chance to live once more in a place I love i think it will make a big difference in my life. also, i have wanted to get cass out of here for awhile.
this is a side note but also related to my work. every day at lunch if our kids do not want the hot lunch, they have the choice of totally packaged foods served in a plastic clam shell container (and no this is not going to be about the disgusting, preservative-laden food in our nation's schools - though i also have a problem with that.) anyway, i had seen the clam shells be collected by one of the paras at lunches the whole time i have worked at parkview, so i would collect my kids' also. i assumed we were recycling these (especially since unlike the plastic forks and spoons we also use every day, these clam shells never even touch food), and i would leave the ones i collected on top of where the kids get milk because i wasn't sure where the recycling bin for them was. earlier this year i handed the ones i just collected and watched as they were promptly put in the trash can. so i decided to see if we could recycle them. out on the playground i saw our secretary and asked her if it would be possible to get a recycling bin for the clam shells and was informed that the district won't ALLOW it. a teacher a few years ago tried and she said the district wouldn't budge citing federal health codes. WHAT??? so anyway, all that clean recyclable plastic cannot leave our cafeteria except in a trash can (except of course when we used to collect them for use in after-school art projects. too "toxic" to be recycled, but ok for art i guess. ) and my principal made it clear that she does not support the idea either, so fighting the district seems pointless if my own school doesn't agree with it either - so trash can it is.
with all this spinning in my brain i got an email about a possibility to go back to san diego. now at this stage it it purely in the "this floated through my brain - what do you think about it?" stage, but nonetheless there is now a ever-present burning desire to go home. i mean, i have always wanted to return to so cal, but had reconciled myself to the fact that i would never go back to live because i would never have the money. but i guess nothing is impossible, and the option, however slim at this point, of leaving utah makes me almost cry because I WANT TO SO BAD. i didn't realize how much i utterly dislike living in this state until the possibility of leaving came up. the other possible places we talked about were all about equally "meh" to me so i didn't think about it. i realize i had just resigned myself to the fact that i would never live anywhere i really wanted to again. i f i do get a chance to go home, i know it won't be forever because to have a farm in so cal is not a realistic dream and i am not asking kevin to forgo his dreams, but if i could get a chance to live once more in a place I love i think it will make a big difference in my life. also, i have wanted to get cass out of here for awhile.
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