i try not to dwell too much on the possibility of life without my mother, but it's always a nagging feeling there in the back of my mind. i know that nobody has any guarantees on life, but dealing with an illness in someone you love makes you ponder death more often than you otherwise would. every time i imagine my mother being gone it's too much for my brain to handle. my mother is one of my best friends and i think the world is a better place for her being in it. i know that her influence and the good she has done will live on after she does, but i can't hug influence. i wish that i could go live in portland too, or that salt lake was better option for my mom to live. i am a bit jealous that my brother and adrienne get to have my mom.
mom is sleeping right now. she is leaving tomorrow and i am sad about that. i wish i had more time to spend with her. at least i had this nice long weekend. i enjoyed cooking for her - we have always bonded over food. i have many things to be thankful for, but i wish i had more mom time.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
thankful for life's little surprises
i went and looked at my old blog today - the one i had on myspace. it was really fun to look back through it. it made me want to blog more, so here i am.
this has been an interesting few weeks. i got a call from my brother like three weeks ago saying that one of his friends just landed in salt lake and was supposed to be picked up by a friend in a school bus, but that the bus had broken down in flagstaff, so could his friend stay with us. (i know this friend btw; he wasn't a stranger or anything). so we said yes.the bus has taken a bit longer to fix than anticipated, but i am grateful for the time we have been able to spend with our friend. cassidy absolutely adores him - in fact i think she will have quite a hard time when he leaves next week. the experience has taught me that wonderful things come in unexpected packages.
as some of you know, my mom is dealing with illness. i picked up a random book from the library sale last month because it was by an author that i enjoy. it is called "the blue lantern" by collette. i started reading it, and it is written almost like a journal, it is not fiction (which i did not realize). at the time she wrote it, collette was in her 70s and was pretty much bedridden. the book is her musing over her life - both past and present. i was truck with how appreciative she was about life in all its ups and downs. it made me hope that i will feel and think like that when i am nearing the end of my life (assuming i don't die in fiery crash or some such thing). i decided that i wanted to give the book to my mother when she came to visit me. so the first week our unexpected guest was here, we were all hanging out in the living room. i said to kevin that i wanted to give my mom our blue lava lamp to go along with "the blue lantern". knate looks at me and says "what did you just say?" so i told him that i wanted to give that book to my mom. well, knate is a comic book guy and he tells me the following:
in the green lantern comics, the green lantern is powered by will, but other lanterns started to pop up. the other lanterns had different power sources (greed, rage, etc.). then came the blue lanterns - and they were powered by hope. i thought that was an amazing synchronicity.
my mom knows knate from when she lived in portland. so, when it became clear that he might still be here when my mom was due to be here, i decided not to say anything to my mom about him being here. for anyone who knows me, you know that is hard for me. i am a TERRIBLE secret keeper. BUT i pulled it off. i am SO glad i did too, because the look on my mom's face when she found knate on our couch was priceless!! first she noticed him, then came the look of recognition, followed closely by sheer confusion. you could almost read her thoughts (wait...knate? where am i? which child am i visiting? what city is this? am i going crazy?). it was amazing!
i hope i can get out to portland this summer to see my mom. it's very hard to process the idea of her not being around forever. i want to spend as much time with her as i can.
this has been an interesting few weeks. i got a call from my brother like three weeks ago saying that one of his friends just landed in salt lake and was supposed to be picked up by a friend in a school bus, but that the bus had broken down in flagstaff, so could his friend stay with us. (i know this friend btw; he wasn't a stranger or anything). so we said yes.the bus has taken a bit longer to fix than anticipated, but i am grateful for the time we have been able to spend with our friend. cassidy absolutely adores him - in fact i think she will have quite a hard time when he leaves next week. the experience has taught me that wonderful things come in unexpected packages.
as some of you know, my mom is dealing with illness. i picked up a random book from the library sale last month because it was by an author that i enjoy. it is called "the blue lantern" by collette. i started reading it, and it is written almost like a journal, it is not fiction (which i did not realize). at the time she wrote it, collette was in her 70s and was pretty much bedridden. the book is her musing over her life - both past and present. i was truck with how appreciative she was about life in all its ups and downs. it made me hope that i will feel and think like that when i am nearing the end of my life (assuming i don't die in fiery crash or some such thing). i decided that i wanted to give the book to my mother when she came to visit me. so the first week our unexpected guest was here, we were all hanging out in the living room. i said to kevin that i wanted to give my mom our blue lava lamp to go along with "the blue lantern". knate looks at me and says "what did you just say?" so i told him that i wanted to give that book to my mom. well, knate is a comic book guy and he tells me the following:
in the green lantern comics, the green lantern is powered by will, but other lanterns started to pop up. the other lanterns had different power sources (greed, rage, etc.). then came the blue lanterns - and they were powered by hope. i thought that was an amazing synchronicity.
my mom knows knate from when she lived in portland. so, when it became clear that he might still be here when my mom was due to be here, i decided not to say anything to my mom about him being here. for anyone who knows me, you know that is hard for me. i am a TERRIBLE secret keeper. BUT i pulled it off. i am SO glad i did too, because the look on my mom's face when she found knate on our couch was priceless!! first she noticed him, then came the look of recognition, followed closely by sheer confusion. you could almost read her thoughts (wait...knate? where am i? which child am i visiting? what city is this? am i going crazy?). it was amazing!
i hope i can get out to portland this summer to see my mom. it's very hard to process the idea of her not being around forever. i want to spend as much time with her as i can.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Last Rites (from Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle)
I think this is darling
"God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So god said to the mud, 'Sit up!'
'See all I made', said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars'
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job god had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I got so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank You for the honor!
Now the mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait..."
"God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So god said to the mud, 'Sit up!'
'See all I made', said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars'
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job god had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I got so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank You for the honor!
Now the mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait..."
Monday, October 19, 2009
lots of stuff rollin' in my brain
i am pretty sure this whole blog will be disjointed because the major things on my brain seem disparate.
the first has been plaguing me for a while - well, since i found my joy really. i have these momentary panic attacks. they aren't frequent or incapacitating. but i am sooooo grateful for the people in my life right now and for my life in general that i flash on instances of tragedy involving my loved ones and i experience panic. it's ironic to me that through some of the darkest, most dangerous times of my life i never experienced this panic. through some of the pretty bad stuff i have experienced i never worried about the future like i do now. even though there was probably a far higher statistical probability of something bad happening i was too embroiled in what was going to worry about it much. but now that i have something good i am at times TERRIFIED of losing it.
that brings me to another issue i have been dealing with. no one following my blog knows this about me, but i am remarkably free of guilt most of my life. i have always chosen to view things that i would classify as mistakes in my life as tools that helped shape me for good or ill and not to waste time regretting things. but that has been changing as of late. i keep having flashbacks of things that happened when cass was younger and i have intense flashes of guilt. i view guilt as useless emotion because we can't change the past, we can only make choices from this point on - yet here i am assaulted by guilt. i did horrible things.
the next thing is about my mother. she is working on releasing cancer right now. and over the past - well since i got prego - my mom and i have developed a pretty cool relationship. i think our relationship is pretty symbiotic at this point. so especially lately i feel like i am getting these messages for her. i am glad that our relationship is such that she listens to me when i have these revelations. i don't feel at liberty to discuss them because i feel like i get messages for her because she listens to me. but i can say that i think she needs to come live with us on our farm whenever we get it.
this brings me back to my guilt feelings surrounding cass. i know my mother struggles with guilt as far as her kids are concerned FAR more than i do. so once again i hope that through all the things i wish i could do over that i someday have the open and loving relationship that i have with my mom, with my daughter.
and finally - sometimes i am scared of losing my mom. i hesitate to say this in print because like a dear friend told me - fear is like a negative prayer. in the sense that i believe that the brain is capable of amazing feats - but when i give in to fear for my mom, i am sending energy that is not healing. it was kinda brought home to me today when i was talking to my mom and she was telling me how most of the time she could stay positive, but the pain interfered. so iam going to break down right here and say it -
I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE a hundred thousand million times infinty
the first has been plaguing me for a while - well, since i found my joy really. i have these momentary panic attacks. they aren't frequent or incapacitating. but i am sooooo grateful for the people in my life right now and for my life in general that i flash on instances of tragedy involving my loved ones and i experience panic. it's ironic to me that through some of the darkest, most dangerous times of my life i never experienced this panic. through some of the pretty bad stuff i have experienced i never worried about the future like i do now. even though there was probably a far higher statistical probability of something bad happening i was too embroiled in what was going to worry about it much. but now that i have something good i am at times TERRIFIED of losing it.
that brings me to another issue i have been dealing with. no one following my blog knows this about me, but i am remarkably free of guilt most of my life. i have always chosen to view things that i would classify as mistakes in my life as tools that helped shape me for good or ill and not to waste time regretting things. but that has been changing as of late. i keep having flashbacks of things that happened when cass was younger and i have intense flashes of guilt. i view guilt as useless emotion because we can't change the past, we can only make choices from this point on - yet here i am assaulted by guilt. i did horrible things.
the next thing is about my mother. she is working on releasing cancer right now. and over the past - well since i got prego - my mom and i have developed a pretty cool relationship. i think our relationship is pretty symbiotic at this point. so especially lately i feel like i am getting these messages for her. i am glad that our relationship is such that she listens to me when i have these revelations. i don't feel at liberty to discuss them because i feel like i get messages for her because she listens to me. but i can say that i think she needs to come live with us on our farm whenever we get it.
this brings me back to my guilt feelings surrounding cass. i know my mother struggles with guilt as far as her kids are concerned FAR more than i do. so once again i hope that through all the things i wish i could do over that i someday have the open and loving relationship that i have with my mom, with my daughter.
and finally - sometimes i am scared of losing my mom. i hesitate to say this in print because like a dear friend told me - fear is like a negative prayer. in the sense that i believe that the brain is capable of amazing feats - but when i give in to fear for my mom, i am sending energy that is not healing. it was kinda brought home to me today when i was talking to my mom and she was telling me how most of the time she could stay positive, but the pain interfered. so iam going to break down right here and say it -
I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE a hundred thousand million times infinty
Saturday, October 3, 2009
giving and taking
kevin has been wanting me to read a book called "the vision" for quite some time now. it is the story of a native american shaman and scout who decided to take on an 8 year old white kid as his apprentice. the book is written by the 8 year old as an adult about his experiences being taught by stalking wolf (grandfather).
anyway, i have been reading it today. and i am touched to my soul at the descriptions of the reverence the author holds for our planet and for all life on our planet. i see now why pookie wanted me me to read it - because that's the sort of rapture he feels. that's why he wants to be an organic subsistence farmer. i am a very book oriented person, and in reading this book i get a feel for what kevin feels.
part of me in reading this feels a loss because i do not experience the joy of nature very readily. i am a city girl through and through, and i live in my head A LOT. i am also a little sad because though i know that our earth is my kevin's deity, it took someone else's words to bring it home to me. i also love that my kevin knows this about me and that's why he wanted me to read this book.
i am grateful to kevin for opening my eyes to our responsibility as stewards of the earth. and for helping me be more aware of how my decisions affect the web of life. i am still learning to open myself to the myriad beauties of nature and how incredibly wonderful our amazing planet really is.
i am well aware of the gifts that kevin brings to my life (other than the obvious one of loving me), but i started to think about what i bring him as well (besides the obvious one of loving him). when he came to visit on friday he was all sorts of bent out of shape but didn't know why. i think the gift that i bring the relationship is my carefree spirit. kevin worries A LOT. and i rarely do. i have my moments - just recently i posted on FB that i wanted to sleep until thigs didn't suck so much. but when i was polled by some friends about that post i revealed that i was really just pissed about money, but not in a serious way. i have a genuine ability to roll with the punches and come out smiling. and i think that is my gift to kevin - to help him see that you don't have to worry so much because mostly it's a waste of your energy.
so he helps me feel connected to our amazing planet and i help him take a chill pill. we both have a long road ahead of us in bestowing our respective gifts - but i am confident that our love is making the world a better place.
anyway, i have been reading it today. and i am touched to my soul at the descriptions of the reverence the author holds for our planet and for all life on our planet. i see now why pookie wanted me me to read it - because that's the sort of rapture he feels. that's why he wants to be an organic subsistence farmer. i am a very book oriented person, and in reading this book i get a feel for what kevin feels.
part of me in reading this feels a loss because i do not experience the joy of nature very readily. i am a city girl through and through, and i live in my head A LOT. i am also a little sad because though i know that our earth is my kevin's deity, it took someone else's words to bring it home to me. i also love that my kevin knows this about me and that's why he wanted me to read this book.
i am grateful to kevin for opening my eyes to our responsibility as stewards of the earth. and for helping me be more aware of how my decisions affect the web of life. i am still learning to open myself to the myriad beauties of nature and how incredibly wonderful our amazing planet really is.
i am well aware of the gifts that kevin brings to my life (other than the obvious one of loving me), but i started to think about what i bring him as well (besides the obvious one of loving him). when he came to visit on friday he was all sorts of bent out of shape but didn't know why. i think the gift that i bring the relationship is my carefree spirit. kevin worries A LOT. and i rarely do. i have my moments - just recently i posted on FB that i wanted to sleep until thigs didn't suck so much. but when i was polled by some friends about that post i revealed that i was really just pissed about money, but not in a serious way. i have a genuine ability to roll with the punches and come out smiling. and i think that is my gift to kevin - to help him see that you don't have to worry so much because mostly it's a waste of your energy.
so he helps me feel connected to our amazing planet and i help him take a chill pill. we both have a long road ahead of us in bestowing our respective gifts - but i am confident that our love is making the world a better place.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
compromising on things that matter
ok, first some background to my dilema. though i have been a vegetarian for 12 years now, it has only been in the last year that i really started to think about the food i eat in depth. through my research, i have become increasingly convinced that it is the processing of foods that does the most damage to our health. i have also become an adamant supporter or organic foods, both for the health of my family and for the health of our planet.
my 10 year old, cassidy, has always been overly sensitive to not fitting in. so the fact that i raise her veggie has always made her feel like she stands out. but my newer convictions, about processed food especially, i think she takes worse. previously we ate A LOT of stuff i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole now - even though they were vegetarian.
so, cass had a friend sleep over last night (the state of utah has a four day school weekend). and i want to help her not feel like her mom is a total freak, so i bought them pizza and cookies. then cassidy asks me for soda, and movie treats, and the list goes on and on! i mean, i am already trying to compromise with her by feeding her stuff i would never on a normal day, and then i get pestered with all these requests and i just want to scream. i mean, i am making many sacrifices in other areas of my life so that i can feed my family food without chemicals and preservatives and added sugar. i spend more on food a month than i spend on rent because what i put into my daughter's body matters a great deal to me. i was less informed for much of her life (plus she macks fast food crap when she visits her dad) i used to feed her stuff that i won't now. but it killed me when she had her friend over here. i was already trying to sacrifice something that mattered to me because i know that the more rigid you are about something then more likely they are to reject it on principle, but this experience made me not want her to have her friends over for the night anymore.
i mean, i have had to deal with the fact that she eats things i would prefer she didn't, but it has always been other places. i feel like my home is the last safe food place for my daughter, but when i say she can a friend over then my safe place becomes a war zone over food. i am at a loss :( :( :( i don't want to say she can't have friends spend the night, but i don't want this food war brought home.
and let me say here that the letting go of what she eats outside the house has been HUGE for me.
i know every parent has their things that they try to do for their child because they truly feel like it's the best thing for them. i mean - how pissed is my dad at me? at least my concern is for her health is in this life - my dad believes that he will be separated from me for eternity for my lack of following what he tried to instill in me, whereas he will get to enjoy my sis and her hubby for eternity.
i am just really struggling with this issue, and i'm sure this will not be the last time i need to write about it.
my 10 year old, cassidy, has always been overly sensitive to not fitting in. so the fact that i raise her veggie has always made her feel like she stands out. but my newer convictions, about processed food especially, i think she takes worse. previously we ate A LOT of stuff i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole now - even though they were vegetarian.
so, cass had a friend sleep over last night (the state of utah has a four day school weekend). and i want to help her not feel like her mom is a total freak, so i bought them pizza and cookies. then cassidy asks me for soda, and movie treats, and the list goes on and on! i mean, i am already trying to compromise with her by feeding her stuff i would never on a normal day, and then i get pestered with all these requests and i just want to scream. i mean, i am making many sacrifices in other areas of my life so that i can feed my family food without chemicals and preservatives and added sugar. i spend more on food a month than i spend on rent because what i put into my daughter's body matters a great deal to me. i was less informed for much of her life (plus she macks fast food crap when she visits her dad) i used to feed her stuff that i won't now. but it killed me when she had her friend over here. i was already trying to sacrifice something that mattered to me because i know that the more rigid you are about something then more likely they are to reject it on principle, but this experience made me not want her to have her friends over for the night anymore.
i mean, i have had to deal with the fact that she eats things i would prefer she didn't, but it has always been other places. i feel like my home is the last safe food place for my daughter, but when i say she can a friend over then my safe place becomes a war zone over food. i am at a loss :( :( :( i don't want to say she can't have friends spend the night, but i don't want this food war brought home.
and let me say here that the letting go of what she eats outside the house has been HUGE for me.
i know every parent has their things that they try to do for their child because they truly feel like it's the best thing for them. i mean - how pissed is my dad at me? at least my concern is for her health is in this life - my dad believes that he will be separated from me for eternity for my lack of following what he tried to instill in me, whereas he will get to enjoy my sis and her hubby for eternity.
i am just really struggling with this issue, and i'm sure this will not be the last time i need to write about it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
thinking about one of my best friends
i was reading a blog earlier written by one of my best friends (we actually think we supposed to be twin sisters *our birthdays are a couple weeks apart* but whoever was passing out the souls messed up). anyway, it got me thinking of her.
we met when i moved to dehesa from lemon grove at montgomery middle school. she was short like me, and we discovered that both of us had skipped a grade (though i think hers was 3rd and mine was 2nd)so we were both young for our grade. anyway, we were fast friends and from 7th grade through 10th grade i believe i spent more time at her house than mine. she was even my "date" for the 8th grade harbor cruise because we wanted to wear pretty dresses and go on a harbor cruise - boys be damned!
i am not going to go on a whole "everything i remember about the stuff we did" trip because that would take forever. *but watch out dana because i have a photo album in storage that is full of you and me in the early 90's and you better believe i'll scan them :)*
but in her blog she was talking about some hardships in her life and it made me think back on what a protector she has always been. we did some crazy teen stuff, but when i look back i see how much dana had her head on her shoulders even when we were being crazy. blonde jokes annoyed her because she is a natural blonde (with dark eyebrows - but i swear she is natural blonde) and smarter than most people i know. i have never been very authoritative and dana was definitely the driving force our duo :)she also looked out for me a lot. the first time i got drunk, a guy brought me into his room and dana immediately busted down the door and brought me bread. when i had a breakdown and left my house, she made brandon drive around his van until she found me and brought me to her house. there are many examples.
i guess why i have been thinking about this is because i have infinite faith that she will deal with her hardships in the best way possible. she has the best combination of level-headedness and heart of anyone i have met in my life. she is one of the best people in the world to have on your side. i left a comment to her when i read her blog about how i hope she remembers to take care of herself though. we have been apart a lot years now, so i don't know if she forgets to take care of herself - i could see it go either way. but, dana you are and have always been one of the most amazing women i know. our differences are superficial, but our sames go straight through.
we met when i moved to dehesa from lemon grove at montgomery middle school. she was short like me, and we discovered that both of us had skipped a grade (though i think hers was 3rd and mine was 2nd)so we were both young for our grade. anyway, we were fast friends and from 7th grade through 10th grade i believe i spent more time at her house than mine. she was even my "date" for the 8th grade harbor cruise because we wanted to wear pretty dresses and go on a harbor cruise - boys be damned!
i am not going to go on a whole "everything i remember about the stuff we did" trip because that would take forever. *but watch out dana because i have a photo album in storage that is full of you and me in the early 90's and you better believe i'll scan them :)*
but in her blog she was talking about some hardships in her life and it made me think back on what a protector she has always been. we did some crazy teen stuff, but when i look back i see how much dana had her head on her shoulders even when we were being crazy. blonde jokes annoyed her because she is a natural blonde (with dark eyebrows - but i swear she is natural blonde) and smarter than most people i know. i have never been very authoritative and dana was definitely the driving force our duo :)she also looked out for me a lot. the first time i got drunk, a guy brought me into his room and dana immediately busted down the door and brought me bread. when i had a breakdown and left my house, she made brandon drive around his van until she found me and brought me to her house. there are many examples.
i guess why i have been thinking about this is because i have infinite faith that she will deal with her hardships in the best way possible. she has the best combination of level-headedness and heart of anyone i have met in my life. she is one of the best people in the world to have on your side. i left a comment to her when i read her blog about how i hope she remembers to take care of herself though. we have been apart a lot years now, so i don't know if she forgets to take care of herself - i could see it go either way. but, dana you are and have always been one of the most amazing women i know. our differences are superficial, but our sames go straight through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)