going gray

so - in contrast  to what i am "supposed" to want - i COVET gray hair - i always have. and now i have two gray hairs - and they are the most beautiful silver!!! i just worry that i am destined to do the "salt and pepper" thing.
i want a head of beautiful silver hair!

Some camus for your ass

My friend Ash posted something earlier this evening that made me want to read Camus' "Youthful Writings" again - not all of it - just my favorite bits :) i began with the piece entitled "intuitions" and then revisited other favorite parts. i just love a favorite book! how you can go back and read it again and just cherish it all over again. mostly i wish i could just somehow beam the contents of this wonderful book into your head - but i will settle for relating a poem from the book...

That the gift is sad and grave, I know it, child of
   those who believe.
Flowers and streams, shadows and foliage in the
   dark of the present, all stretch forth and entwine.
I would have liked to leave in order to be bound,
   I see the sky too high.
Seeing how desires that look behind them die,
   who can be born again?
No. No. May all be astonished - at each thing
   at each birth and at each death.
Life with its regrets and desires is too short; alas!
   I believe in Love, and what use are my roots.
I know that everything happens and that the instant
   of communion is not awaited - but is won.
And when night falls, it's dawn
   that one must reach for.

Nightmares

so, this week has been epic for me (in a BAD way) for nightmares. i will spare you all the blow by blow descriptions - but suffice it to say that they involve vivid images of horrid things happening to me or my loved ones. a few days ago i told my mom about two of my nightmares and she said "it seems like you are grappling with fears of life and death." but this blog is inspired by one of my nightmares - so bear with me.

last night i dreamed that i went across the street to see my mom and she told me that she was just too tired and couldn't handle her job. and then she looked at me and said, "you know what i am wishing for" and i responded that i didn't. and she said "yes, you do." and then she told me that she was wishing to die. i told her not to wish for that because our thoughts are powerful and she said, "i know"

i woke up crying, but went back to sleep in the same dream. in the dream i told kevin that he needed to check my mom's apartment each day because i didn't want to find her dead.

today - in real life - i told my mom about my dream (as i have told her about my nightmare marathon) and when i came to the part where she told me "you know what i wish for?" and i told her it was death - she said - "yeah, i feel ready" (in real life she said this)

so for all day since i had this conversation with her i have been thinking about feeling ready to die. the last 5 or so years of my life have been the best of my life - in fact, i have developed anxiety (which i never had before) because i worry about the happiness i have being disrupted by death. and i know my mom is in pain and has a hard time even moving now - but from my view - i find it hard to to prefer death to never being able to see the sun shine in an impossibly beautiful sky.

she assured me that her passive death wish would not be fulfilled because of her strong norwegian blood - but i see a marked difference from the woman who battled cancer with alternative methods to the one who told me today she does indeed wish to die...

stealing flowers and frozen goodies

tonight i was walking home from my last final exam of the semester (YEA!) and i passed a house with an odd brick chimney that looked broken and had some odd doodad attached near the top that i could hardly see but it made me pause a second to look at it. for some reason (perhaps because i wondered what the owners of the house might think if they saw me lingering in front of their house staring up at their chimney) it triggered a memory of an incident from my childhood.
in the neighborhood i grew up, in lemon grove CA, i was playing with my friend melody. there was a house with beautiful roses and flowers growing in the yard and my friend and i decided we needed to pick one. just as we were picking a rose, the owner of the house came out. we panicked and started to run. the elderly lady who lived there called after us. we ran out of sight and i had a crisis of conscience so we decided to go back and face the music.
we walked fearfully up to the house - pilfered rose in hand. we apologized and told her we just wanted one of her flowers because they were so beautiful. she invited us inside and we talked. she had freezers full of the most wonderful home baked treats. she sent us home with extra treats and hand-picked a bouquet of her most beautiful flowers. that was the first of our visits - i came fairly often after that. she always had stories - and treats. as an 8 year old i enjoyed listening to her and couldn't believe my luck because of all the fantastic treats from her freezer.
when this memory hit me this evening, i was struck by a new perspective. as a child i never wondered why she had a whole garage freezer full of home made treats. now i find it poignant. i am glad that my childhood transgression of trying to steal a flower bloomed into the friendship that it did. i am glad that that sweet old lady (whose name, regrettably, i do not remember) found someone to give her treats to and tell stories to - and i am glad that i learned that you just never know what to make of people - sometimes you just have to go talk to them.

something AWESOME i learned because of yubyub

so, last sunday morning (july 24 - which (fyi) is a state holiday in utah - pioneer day - for those of you who live outside the land of zion - not related to my story but a piece of trivia. kevin and i are at the farmers market selling his tasty veggies grown with love and we decide to get a puppy - a small breed because our house is small and can't accommodate a large breed. kevin wanted a garden companion.

an hour or so later our friend spring shows up at the market to say hi - and has a new pup with her. we say, "funny! we just decided today that we want a puppy!" spring: "my friend just had 15 puppies - let me bring you one to meet!" me: "well we want a small breed (spring's puppy will grow into a medium size dog i think)" spring: well, the one i want to show you because i love him so much is a shih tzu poodle mix - he's little. just you wait - my friend lives near here - i will bring the puppy to meet you!"

sure enough, spring shows up with her friend and the little guy i am holding in the picture. the puppy slays us with his cuteness and we can't deny the auspiciousness of the timing so we can't NOT take him.

SOOOOO... puppies are a CRAZY amount of work. i did not realize the extent because i have never had a puppy. i used to wonder why there were puppies in the pound - because who would give up a puppy? but i see why now (and yubyub is a really good puppy too! - oh yeah, we named him yubyub because it is a word in ewokese because we think he looks like an ewok) they suck you in with their adorableness - and then you are face with the reality of puppy training - not for everyone :)

ok - background story complete - in the book we got (puppy whisperer: a compassionate non-violent guide to early training and care - NOT to be confused with cesar (sp?) the dog whisperer - this book has nothing to do with showing dominance) in the section on socializing your puppy they say your job in socializing is to get your puppy to roll with the punches that are life. so if you drop a pan on the floor and it startles you little guy - make it a party - "yea! i dropped a pan!!!"(give treat) a loud garbage truck goes by - "yea! a garbage truck!!!!"(give treat) - you get the point.

when i first told kevin about this part of the book (he is working all the time so i read and summarize) i tell him i think it's sorta awesome but would make me feel ridiculous a little bit (though i am still down for tryin'). but the more i think about it - the more i think "WHAT an awesome tool!" for MY life!. what if every time something threw you for a loop or scared or derailed you you thought "YEA! i have to take college algebra again!" (one close to my heart). or even "YEA! i lost my job!". doing "the work" has taught me that EVERYTHING is in our power to determine our reaction to it. reality is what it is - PERIOD - the only thing we have is our reaction to it. so i appreciate the further lesson in this i got because of yubyub -
THROW A PARTY WHEN SOMETHING UPSETS YOU!

a step-dad for my little

so, kevin has never been a big fan of children. mostly he is disappointed with the way our species behaves toward our planet and thinks the world would be better off if we would please stop breeding and just die off. in light of this, i am really amazed and grateful for the relationship he has ended up forging with my daughter.

for the first couple years, he pretty much left the parenting to me (with occasional behind-the-scenes advice or insight), though he was always friendly with cass and genuinely liked her. but over the last year and a half or so, their relationship has really grown. it has been really touching to watch as they have become family to each other. kevin thinks of himself as a dad to her, and she has never really had that in any of my previous relationships (excepting, of course, her actual father). for the first time since her dad and i split, i feel like i have support raising my daughter.

it has been a real joy watching them grow to love each other. i am so thankful for my little family. they both bless my life in so many ways and i am a lucky lucky lady.

Freedom and Education and how we are failing

I am going to begin with a lengthy quote from a book I reading for one of my Education classes. It really highlights for me the disconnect I see between the way teachers are being trained in college (at least in my program)and the reality of most public schools. The passage is from a book called The Learning Cycle: Elementary School Science and Beyond by Edmund Marek and Ann Cavallo.

"Why is it important to have the development of thinking ability as the centralpurpose of education? First, all other goals of education, such as understanding the subject matter, cannot be achieved without the ability to think logically. Second, this goal prepares students for their future in society. Throughout a lifetime, individuals must solve many problems, make judgments and decisions, and, ideally, create new ideas that extend and/or improve current knowledge of the world. These activities will not be accomplished if the students in our schools have not developed the ability to think. Third, developing the ability to think is important across all subjects in the curriculum. Content is specific to subject areas and may be forgotten. The ability to think logically is general and central to all subject areas and will prevail for a lifetime. Finally, individuals in our society cannot be truly free if the ability to think is lacking. How is thinking related to freedom? The ability to think allows individuals to decide, for themselves, the value of others' decisions opinions and rules. Without the ability to think, reason, and form opinions independently, individuals would have no choice but to accept the decisions of virtually anyone who is in a position of authority...

The final point regarding freedom is perhaps of greatest significance. This nation was founded on the premise that all persons are entitled to their individual freedoms. [my interjection here - ALL persons? It's a nice thought but I don't think so. I think the group of people this nation had in mind when they founded the US was pretty clearly NOT all persons - but the point he is coming to is valuable nonetheless] Freedom, however, requires certain factors for its establishment and survival, and these include the 'social institutions which protect freedom and the personal commitment that gives it force' (EPC, 1961). But social institutions will neither be free nor advocate freedom if those governing them do not so demand, and these individuals will not demand freedom if they are not committed to it. In order to demand and practice responsible freedom, individuals must have what the EPC called 'freedom of mind', 'a condition which each individual must develop for himself'. To be truly free, and to maintain the democratic society we cherish [my interjection - we are not and never have been a democracy - but again, I still think the general thrust of what he is saying is valid] individuals must use thinking skills that allow each to formulate well-founded opinions, judgments, and actions. Thus, 'a free society has the obligation to create circumstances in which all individuals may have the opportunity and encouragement to attain freedom of the mind.' (EPC, 1961

These circumstances can be created in our school classrooms... In order to perpetuate a free society, however, the individuals making it up must have freedom of mind. To have freedom of mind, students must learn to think autonomously. If schools are to achieve their central purpose, the experiences they provide must lead students to develop the ability to think." p18-19

Ok, so why are schools such conformity factories? In my Education degree, we are constantly talking about how to create environments where children are honored and taught how to think, how to make our classrooms as inclusive as possible, and how to attempt to take off our own cultural blinders and realize how they affect the way we teach. But I don't think that is the pervasive culture in today's public school system. I read stories the news that appear to reward conformity and mediocrity at the expense of authentic learning and creativity. What a different world it would be if schools were actually there to teach our future citizens to think critically and question the world around them rather than to blindly accept whatever they hear. What if schools taught us to recognize injustice, wherever it may be, and to stand up for basic human rights for ALL?