breathing easier

VS.










i chose that title because i am amazed right now how i am LITERALLY breathing easier after my "Work" session with my friend. tonight i tackled one of my biggies, that i have recently realized is the underlying cause of many of my stress thoughts. i am breathing easier because i really feel like my chest has been let go from some kind of binding instrument. so, the following blog is really me processing some epiphanies so feel free to skip it - or not :)

it started with me trying to get at why i am so deeply conflict phobic. it's really bizarre if you could see me in action - or should i say inaction. i am petrified - literally sometimes - to speak up for myself, even to complete strangers on the phone let alone with someone who matters in my life. then i fight with myself because i say, "katrisa, this is ridiculous. grow an ovary or two and speak up! what are you afraid of?" And when i ask myself that question, i am at a loss to answer it. what the hell AM i afraid of? i have been having this fight with myself for years to no avail. so i decided to try the "Work" and see if maybe i couldn't get somewhere finally (though i admit i was skeptical). Anyway, it became apparent to me over several session of trying to get at the issue but not, what the actual issue is.

now it may seem like an overstatement - and it is - but there is a part of me that REALLY believes it - that the world is not a safe place to be me. without getting into specifics, there have been times in my life where it was absolutely NOT safe to be me, which is one of the reasons that this belief is locked up somewhere inside my psyche. so when i was asked "is that thought true?" i had to say, "sometimes, hell yes it is - AND i know that absolutely." but then i had to look back at my original statement "the world is not a safe place to be me" and i had to admit that some true experiences did not make the whole world unsafe - because that is how i was treating the world.

so then she asked me what was my payoff in having this belief. i had to admit that i was trying to keep myself safe, but that in reality holding on to that belief really did not affect my day to day safety. in fact - and here's the kicker - if you are always worrying about what might happen, what others might think feel or say if you say or do something then you are always a little bit afraid. after all, let's call a spade a spade - worry is fear. so when your mind is always shooting out these tendrils of fear all the time - how do you know when to listen when your genuine alarm system kicks in to alert you to real danger? it's not that danger to your safety does not exist, but what good is the belief that world is not safe when it causes you to live out of sync with your true self? Not to mention that the VAST majority, if not all, of the random ways i don't stand up for myself are not really related to my safety anyway.

even after all of that realizing going on, i still had a hard time imagining my world without that thought. so what a blessing when i realized that i DO know what it feels like to live without that thought. that is why i go to festivals like dreamtime and element 11. i let go of that thought while i am there and i am just me; that's why i love going there so much! that realization just busted the whole thing wide open for me. so i know that i am not just over this issue, just like that. i know that i have work ahead of me, because the thought of being open and honest with some people in my life still makes me want to hightail it back into that imaginary safe zone where i hide, but at least now i see the crack of light shining through that shut door, and i know that it IS possible to live without fear paralyzing me.

from the mouths of...almost 3rd graders

in my summer school class, i have sort of a theme for the week; last week it was the solar system. in honor of solar system adventures, i brought in "the universe" season 1 (a history channel series) and let them vote on which episode they wanted to watch. though i was pulling for the gas giants, they wanted to watch the sun - well it was a close race between the sun and the moon, but the sun won by a single vote.

the funny thing about this particular series is that they are always trying to make the solar system into some kind of EXTREME SPORTS or something. kevin and i laugh when they do it and say in our best boxing match announcer voice "death from above!" anyway, the video talked about solar storms for awhile and the kids all asked me if solar storms would kill the earth and i told them no, just disrupt our electronics :) but near the end they started to talk about how the sun will (in approximately 5 BILLION years) become a red giant and swallow up mercury, venus, and earth. this freaked them out. i tried explaining that 100 years is a long time for a human to live and that we are talking BILLIONS of years before the sun engulfs the earth, but little kids are not so good with time scales.

in the midst of this "the sun will swallow the earth" mini-panic, one of my kids says, "it doesn't matter. none of us are alive anyway; we are all just living in someone's dream and when they wake up we won't be here." where do they get this stuff? then another kid chimes in in agreement. so i ask them who is doing the dreaming, and they look at me like i am slow and say "nobody knows!"

have i mentioned lately how i adore my job?

grimus and the angel of death

a family friend (who i have not met yet, but will meet in a little over a week but already has a place in my heart because my fam loves her) just asked for a book recommendation because she has a train ride coming up. i was trying to think of a good book to recommend (there are just SO many good books in the world) and the one i chose was "grimus" by salman rushdie. i read that book last year and it really captured me in a way that books seldom do. i remembered that i blogged about it on my old myspace blog when i was reading it, so i went and dug that up to share a piece of this most amazing piece of literature.


-It's a serious tale, she said. It is about the Angel of Death. In the story, he is sent out by God to collect the dead souls; but he finds a frightening thing happening to him, for as he swallows each soul it becomes a part of him. And so Death is changed, metamorphosed as it were, by each dying creature. The poor Angel finds it a bigger and bigger strain, and also begins to have doubts about whether he even exists as an independent being with all these people inside him; so he returns to God and asks to be relieved of his function. And what do you think he finds? This: that God too, is tired of his job, and wants to die. God asks the Angel to swallow him and of course the Angel cannot refuse. So he does, and God dies; but the effort of swallowing him breaks the heart of the Angel. And there is a very sad ending, when he realizes that Death cannot die, for there is no-one to swallow him. Don't you think that's a very pretty, neat tale?

-grimus p141

and i knew i could count on gustave dore for a most excellent picture to accompany this post :)

a shout-out to the peeps who bless my life

the first session of "The Work" that i did involved my feelings of fear and frustration over someone in my life (not friend or family, just someone i am forced to interact with in my life). afterward i went to grab a bite with a friend who was also at the session with me who also knows the person i had just done "Work" on. in our conversation, my friend mentioned to me that on one occasion our mutual acquaintance told her in all seriousness that she doesn't really have friends because they are too much work and she prefers it that way.

this has been rolling around in my brain a lot since i heard it. i think of the myriad ways my life is blessed because of my friends - even those i am not that close to, and CERTAINLY by those i hold especially dear to my heart. i feel compassion for any being who would see relationships with others as a chore rather than a treasure. after that day, i really just can't see her as scary and mean as i used to. obviously there is no way for me to know if she truly doesn't want friends because they are a bother, or that is a smokescreen - and it really is none of my business. yet, i can't help imagining life without all the awesome people i count as friends.

in fact, i just reconnected with a college friend today who i haven't seen in person for about 12 years. and i came away from that meeting with the feeling that i am glad i know him. that got me thinking about how glad i am that i know so many of the people that i do. i am trying to contrive a way to let people know that i appreciate them and their contribution both to my life and to our collective experience here on this most amazing of planets.

i think of my mother - considered quite poor by typical standards - and i think what a rich life she has had and does have because of the people she has made connections with - TRUE CONNECTION. i know that it's cliche to say that there are more important things than money, and i bitch about not having money on a fairly regular basis - but the truth is i love my life. i love my life because of all the wonderful people i have in my life. so here's to all the people i love - *SMOOTCH*

ah...micheal franti just started playing on my ipod. nice.

and the following pics are a mere representation of the people in my life who rock and is by no means a definitive list. :)

fat-cat brain

so i have done three "Work" sessions now, but the one i did today blew my mind. for those of you who don't know about byron katie and her "Work", you start with a thought that distresses you and and allow yourself to feel it fully and watch what that thought does to your life. how does life feel with that thought? how do you treat yourself when you think this thought? how do you treat others when you think this thought? etc.
then when you're all done with that you imagine your life as if it were impossible to think that thought. not that the subject of the thought doesn't exist, but that it is impossible for you to think that particular thought. so my thought today was people shouldn't threaten each other. so i had to imagine what would my life be if i COULD NOT think that thought, not what would my life be like if people didn't threaten each other.
that step was a hard one for me! i literally could not imagine life without that thought. so my friend gave me a tool that she uses when trying to work through very deeply entrenched thoughts; she pictures herself in her dog's head. so i put myself in fat cat's head. is it possible for the fat to think that people shouldn't threaten each other? nope, not even a little bit. then i could see what my life could be like without that thought. it's freeing really, to let go for a second and see that you truly are FREE to be as happy or as miserable as you want to make yourself. and you have NO ONE to blame but yourself if you are unhappy or stressed.

take a second to let that sink in...

me - i'm going try living in fat cat's head-space a bit more.

one of my very favorite poems

i have been thinking about this poem a lot lately because of all the spring flowers i have been enjoying (there is a line "flesh like the bright puffs the flower-god puts on in spring, flimsy for needing to last"). as you know if you have been reading my blog, i have been been wrapping my head around the idea of non-permanence when it comes to life, so that line would echo in my head when i would see a flower. i have been trying to let things be what they are and enjoy each moment i have on its own terms without thinking how it won't last or how i want it to be different. i still have a long way to go, but hey, life's about the journey, right?

this poem is by a poet i found in a sort of unusal way :) back when i was first dating nathaniel and kim was first dating james, she and i went to ogden to meet the boys. we had planned to meet them in one of those book/music/movie mega-stores, and we got there before them. so we were over in the poetry aisle and we spotted a book titled "10 poems to change your life". kim and i scoff (we are sort of poetry elitists) and i open the book at random to see if my life was about to be changed. the poem that i opened to was called "last gods" by galway kinnell. i read it aloud and kim and i just sat there speechless when it was done. i quietly and carefully placed the book back on the shelf, giving the poem the reverence it deserved, and thus was born my adoration of galway kinnell.

the poem i want to share isn't actually "last gods" though i highly recommend the poem. it's in his book "when one has spent a long time alone", as is the poem i am about to share.

so... without further ado i give you...
AGAPE
I want to touch her.
Once. Again. I will wait
if I must. Outwait.
Wait so long she will age,
pull even, pass. How
will she like it then if
when i bend to kiss wrinkles
ray out around her
mouth? I want to hold her.
In the flesh. All night.
Flesh like the bright
puffs the flower-god
puts on in spring, flimsy
for needing to last
but this one flashing
circuit through her
apparitions. Did she fear,
when i stood with the
precipice at my back
and beckoned, that i was a specter
she would plunge through?
At the agape, love's addicts
lie back, drink, listen
to a priestess discourse
on love rightly understood.
As soon as cured anyone
can get up and go over
and bestow the Kiss
on anyone. Now the others
have disappeared - maybe
cured, probably joining lips
behind doors. It is
the Fourth Cup - the hour
for the breaking of the
transubstantiated body.
What if we break, the priestess
and I, the body
together? And I fall
in fear and longing?
And she commands me to
dissolve in the light
of love rightly understood,
or if i can't, to put
a gun to my head? I don't want
to know that on the other
side of the pillow nobody
stirs. I don't want ever
again to sit up half the night
and laugh and forget not
all of us will rejoice
like this always.

she moves in mysterious ways

so, for some unknown reason whenever my mother posts a new blog (broccoli4breakfast.wordpress.com) my facebook profile posts it on my wall - as me, not my mom. i am not sure what setting i changed to make that happen, but i liked knowing when my mom posts anyway, so i'm not too concerned.

anyway, on monday my mom posted a new blog and i got this comment from a friend

"Kat! Did I tell you I'm just finishing up my certification to teach/facilitate 'The Work?' Come for a session or two... it's great stuff and I could totally see you using/teaching it as well!"

i hadn't even had a chance to read my mom's blog. i responded that i would love to come do this "Work" (though i didn't know what this "Work" was), so we have been setting up a time to do this. today i finally got a chance to sit down and read my mom's post. it turns out that the whole post is on a system of overhauling your thought patterns with the goal of creating joy in your life at all times developed by byron katie. her system is called "The Work".

i had no idea that my friend's certification was the same thing my mom has been into since she received katie's book from our friend knate while she was visiting me last month. so, i am going to visit a group that does this "Work" tomorrow. i have been working hard over the past couple years to release anger from my life, so i look forward to this chance happening.
more joy for everyone!