pixiecola joy!

something AWESOME i learned because of yubyub

2011-07-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

so, last sunday morning (july 24 - which (fyi) is a state holiday in utah - pioneer day - for those of you who live outside the land of zion - not related to my story but a piece of trivia. kevin and i are at the farmers market selling his tasty veggies grown with love and we decide to get a puppy - a small breed because our house is small and can't accommodate a large breed. kevin wanted a garden companion.

an hour or so later our friend spring shows up at the market to say hi - and has a new pup with her. we say, "funny! we just decided today that we want a puppy!" spring: "my friend just had 15 puppies - let me bring you one to meet!" me: "well we want a small breed (spring's puppy will grow into a medium size dog i think)" spring: well, the one i want to show you because i love him so much is a shih tzu poodle mix - he's little. just you wait - my friend lives near here - i will bring the puppy to meet you!"

sure enough, spring shows up with her friend and the little guy i am holding in the picture. the puppy slays us with his cuteness and we can't deny the auspiciousness of the timing so we can't NOT take him.

SOOOOO... puppies are a CRAZY amount of work. i did not realize the extent because i have never had a puppy. i used to wonder why there were puppies in the pound - because who would give up a puppy? but i see why now (and yubyub is a really good puppy too! - oh yeah, we named him yubyub because it is a word in ewokese because we think he looks like an ewok) they suck you in with their adorableness - and then you are face with the reality of puppy training - not for everyone :)

ok - background story complete - in the book we got (puppy whisperer: a compassionate non-violent guide to early training and care - NOT to be confused with cesar (sp?) the dog whisperer - this book has nothing to do with showing dominance) in the section on socializing your puppy they say your job in socializing is to get your puppy to roll with the punches that are life. so if you drop a pan on the floor and it startles you little guy - make it a party - "yea! i dropped a pan!!!"(give treat) a loud garbage truck goes by - "yea! a garbage truck!!!!"(give treat) - you get the point.

when i first told kevin about this part of the book (he is working all the time so i read and summarize) i tell him i think it's sorta awesome but would make me feel ridiculous a little bit (though i am still down for tryin'). but the more i think about it - the more i think "WHAT an awesome tool!" for MY life!. what if every time something threw you for a loop or scared or derailed you you thought "YEA! i have to take college algebra again!" (one close to my heart). or even "YEA! i lost my job!". doing "the work" has taught me that EVERYTHING is in our power to determine our reaction to it. reality is what it is - PERIOD - the only thing we have is our reaction to it. so i appreciate the further lesson in this i got because of yubyub -
THROW A PARTY WHEN SOMETHING UPSETS YOU!

a step-dad for my little

2011-07-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

so, kevin has never been a big fan of children. mostly he is disappointed with the way our species behaves toward our planet and thinks the world would be better off if we would please stop breeding and just die off. in light of this, i am really amazed and grateful for the relationship he has ended up forging with my daughter.

for the first couple years, he pretty much left the parenting to me (with occasional behind-the-scenes advice or insight), though he was always friendly with cass and genuinely liked her. but over the last year and a half or so, their relationship has really grown. it has been really touching to watch as they have become family to each other. kevin thinks of himself as a dad to her, and she has never really had that in any of my previous relationships (excepting, of course, her actual father). for the first time since her dad and i split, i feel like i have support raising my daughter.

it has been a real joy watching them grow to love each other. i am so thankful for my little family. they both bless my life in so many ways and i am a lucky lucky lady.

Freedom and Education and how we are failing

2011-07-02T18:59:00.001-07:00

I am going to begin with a lengthy quote from a book I reading for one of my Education classes. It really highlights for me the disconnect I see between the way teachers are being trained in college (at least in my program)and the reality of most public schools. The passage is from a book called The Learning Cycle: Elementary School Science and Beyond by Edmund Marek and Ann Cavallo.

"Why is it important to have the development of thinking ability as the centralpurpose of education? First, all other goals of education, such as understanding the subject matter, cannot be achieved without the ability to think logically. Second, this goal prepares students for their future in society. Throughout a lifetime, individuals must solve many problems, make judgments and decisions, and, ideally, create new ideas that extend and/or improve current knowledge of the world. These activities will not be accomplished if the students in our schools have not developed the ability to think. Third, developing the ability to think is important across all subjects in the curriculum. Content is specific to subject areas and may be forgotten. The ability to think logically is general and central to all subject areas and will prevail for a lifetime. Finally, individuals in our society cannot be truly free if the ability to think is lacking. How is thinking related to freedom? The ability to think allows individuals to decide, for themselves, the value of others' decisions opinions and rules. Without the ability to think, reason, and form opinions independently, individuals would have no choice but to accept the decisions of virtually anyone who is in a position of authority...

The final point regarding freedom is perhaps of greatest significance. This nation was founded on the premise that all persons are entitled to their individual freedoms. [my interjection here - ALL persons? It's a nice thought but I don't think so. I think the group of people this nation had in mind when they founded the US was pretty clearly NOT all persons - but the point he is coming to is valuable nonetheless] Freedom, however, requires certain factors for its establishment and survival, and these include the 'social institutions which protect freedom and the personal commitment that gives it force' (EPC, 1961). But social institutions will neither be free nor advocate freedom if those governing them do not so demand, and these individuals will not demand freedom if they are not committed to it. In order to demand and practice responsible freedom, individuals must have what the EPC called 'freedom of mind', 'a condition which each individual must develop for himself'. To be truly free, and to maintain the democratic society we cherish [my interjection - we are not and never have been a democracy - but again, I still think the general thrust of what he is saying is valid] individuals must use thinking skills that allow each to formulate well-founded opinions, judgments, and actions. Thus, 'a free society has the obligation to create circumstances in which all individuals may have the opportunity and encouragement to attain freedom of the mind.' (EPC, 1961

These circumstances can be created in our school classrooms... In order to perpetuate a free society, however, the individuals making it up must have freedom of mind. To have freedom of mind, students must learn to think autonomously. If schools are to achieve their central purpose, the experiences they provide must lead students to develop the ability to think." p18-19

Ok, so why are schools such conformity factories? In my Education degree, we are constantly talking about how to create environments where children are honored and taught how to think, how to make our classrooms as inclusive as possible, and how to attempt to take off our own cultural blinders and realize how they affect the way we teach. But I don't think that is the pervasive culture in today's public school system. I read stories the news that appear to reward conformity and mediocrity at the expense of authentic learning and creativity. What a different world it would be if schools were actually there to teach our future citizens to think critically and question the world around them rather than to blindly accept whatever they hear. What if schools taught us to recognize injustice, wherever it may be, and to stand up for basic human rights for ALL?

tampons - yep, i WILL talk about periods so be fore-warned

2011-03-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

so...
back when i was a women's studies minor a DU, i wrote a final paper about the vilification of women's natural body processes - specifically, menstruation and breast feeding. what i found out in my research (secondary to my topic) is that most commercial tampons are treated with a chemical called dioxin. dioxin has been implicated in endometriosis (which, by the way is rising in incredible numbers). the reason tampon companies can get away with it is that the trace amounts of this chemical left in the tampon is considered harmless. --- here's the catch --- dioxins NEVER leave your body - they just build up - so a trace amount over the life of your period is - A LOT. your vagina has probably the most permeable membrane of your body - and dioxin NEVER leaves! for the love of all that's holy ladies - please use organic tampons ( i have no info on pads so if you use those do your own research)

even knowing this i resisted organic tampons for years. why? because my short-term convenience over-rode my newly gained knowledge. i look back and i think - what? so ask yourself what you are willing to risk?

ok - so here's my major deviation. i have used organic tampons for years now. but this month i am attempting sea sponge tampons. is there a reason i need to throw away tampons - even organic ones - every month?

so i am one day into my cycle, with favorable results so far. but it is usually the "dammit i bled through!" day on two or three so i will keep you posted

fall magic: a poem

2010-11-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

this was inspired by an experience i had today with my kinders

bright crisp blue so clear it almost hurts
then
a shout!
all eyes drawn upward
transfixed
by the magic of
fluttering, sparkling, swirling
fairies?
butterflies?
or were they leaves,
green of summer turned to
red
yellow
orange
by the kiss of fall?
who's to say?
my dancing children raise their hands
to heaven with exclamations of glee
as we dance beneath
the magic.
a door opens
and a whistle blows.
we return to routine
but in our hearts we carry the magic of
the fairies?
the butterflies?
the leaves?
who's to say?

think the universe isn't listening?

2010-09-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

last week i was talking to one of my best friends who has transformed himself in the last year. he has gone from a pretty scary alcohol addiction to a sober, whole and peaceful place. it has been a joy to see his transformation. he called me the other day because he was having a sad day. he has dedicated his life to healing (both himself and others) and was feeling sad because he faces the possibility of losing his house and he feels lonely. i was sitting outside on a sidewalk talking to him on my phone. he said to me, "pix i just feel like i surrendered my life to this path and now the universe isn't stepping up to the plate." through our talk, we both came to realize that there are so many factors working to support us every second, and that just because support doesn't come in the particular form that we want it to, doesn't mean we aren't supported. in the middle of this conversation, a teenage boy rides down the sidewalk on a bike and as he passes me points his finger, looks right at me and just says "endure!" and then rides on down the street. i told my friend that the universe just gave him a message. this just brought home to me how much we are all taken care of every minute, and we are never alone.

wow, mom!

2010-09-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

this is a funny little side note that happened last weekend. cass regularly asks me questions like "who's the prettiest mommy?" and i answer "me?", or will just come up and hug me and tell me that i am beautiful. i have a real sweetie for a daughter. anyway, last weekend i busted out my senior yearbook to show her. when we came to my picture, she was kinda in awe. "WOW, mom! you were pretty!" it just makes me laugh. i remember seeing my dad's yearbook when i was young and thinking "crazy! dad was cute?" you always see you your parents through your love lens and they are beautiful, but it's a shock to see them young.
nowadays, i will take the extra pounds and fine lines gladly in exchange for the greater peace and wisdom that i have, and for the people who just love me no matter what i look like. but it is still fun to see my daughter's shocked face as she looks at my teenage-ness :)

thanks for gifts and miracles

2010-09-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in a while because apparently i am really sensitive to being interrupted when i write. i was mid-blog after my portland trip and my fam was urging me to spend time with them so i quit mid-blog. i never finished that blog and am only now writing again - only because it REALLY needs to be expressed.

there are a couple of things that are expressing need to be expressed right now. mostly, my mother was pronounced cancer free this week. the story is a funny one. she went to the ER for something (i don't know or care because it's secondary to the story). side note - she just started seeing a naturopath in portland recently. at the ER she asked the docs to do a scan because her naturopath was wondering if she still had a cervix (she had a hysterectomy 13 years ago). The opinion came back that not onlydid she have a cervix, but a uterus too AND no cancer. WHAT??!! we all think. the no cancer pronunciation is suspect - at least in my mind - because of the "you have a uterus" thing.

a week later she goes to her naturopath (who is also an MD for anyone who thinks that naturopaths are fake doctors) who gives her an ultrasound that reveals - no cancer and no uterus.

i think the main point of this blog post is that before i went to visit my mom in portland, i had to actively fight off tears on a regular basis over the prospect of losing my mom. while i was there i dealt with a lot of those feelings. i came back with a better grip on life without my mom. and now here are doctors saying cancer is gone! i feel like i have been a very special gift - that of dealing best i could with losing her. i mean, nobody knows when anybody is going to die - that is out of our hands. all we really have is our reaction. though it has been rough at times, i am thankful for the experience. now i can enjoy my mom even more because i had to face the prospect of not having her

"Working" with my daughter

2010-07-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

last night, i was in denver staying with some friends getting ready to pick cass up in the morning when she called me and asked if she could go to school in denver next year. my first thought was - this is easy - "your dad is between jobs and houses right now; i think it's not a good time." but she unexpectedly counters with "no, i could stay at nana and papa's" (nana and papa are actually doug's aunt and uncle who are, for ALL intents and purposes her denver grandma and grandpa) (insert stomach drop here - on my part). i tell her i can't make that decision right now.
my mind swirls to all sorts of sad, mad, hurt etc. places. i stress all night, but manage to get to talk to pam (dotheworkwithpam@gmail.com), and i am here to testify that her phone sessions are the real deal - i did it - so don't let proximity be a barrier) before i pick up cass. we do a quick run-through of the situation and i uncover a host of underlying thoughts behind my anxiety. anyway, i collect myself and pick up my daughter.
my baby is always upset when she has to leave her denver family, so i introduced the "Work" to her and let her explore her sorrow via the Work. i won't share her revelations except to tell that listening to her helped dissolve my core beliefs related to issue i had called pam about - even though i had mentioned NOTHING to her.
i am looking forward to sharing the Work with her. man! i can just imagine if someone had given me the tools to question my beliefs and help me realize that suffering is optional when i was 11!

breathing easier

2010-07-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

VS.

i chose that title because i am amazed right now how i am LITERALLY breathing easier after my "Work" session with my friend. tonight i tackled one of my biggies, that i have recently realized is the underlying cause of many of my stress thoughts. i am breathing easier because i really feel like my chest has been let go from some kind of binding instrument. so, the following blog is really me processing some epiphanies so feel free to skip it - or not :)

it started with me trying to get at why i am so deeply conflict phobic. it's really bizarre if you could see me in action - or should i say inaction. i am petrified - literally sometimes - to speak up for myself, even to complete strangers on the phone let alone with someone who matters in my life. then i fight with myself because i say, "katrisa, this is ridiculous. grow an ovary or two and speak up! what are you afraid of?" And when i ask myself that question, i am at a loss to answer it. what the hell AM i afraid of? i have been having this fight with myself for years to no avail. so i decided to try the "Work" and see if maybe i couldn't get somewhere finally (though i admit i was skeptical). Anyway, it became apparent to me over several session of trying to get at the issue but not, what the actual issue is.

now it may seem like an overstatement - and it is - but there is a part of me that REALLY believes it - that the world is not a safe place to be me. without getting into specifics, there have been times in my life where it was absolutely NOT safe to be me, which is one of the reasons that this belief is locked up somewhere inside my psyche. so when i was asked "is that thought true?" i had to say, "sometimes, hell yes it is - AND i know that absolutely." but then i had to look back at my original statement "the world is not a safe place to be me" and i had to admit that some true experiences did not make the whole world unsafe - because that is how i was treating the world.

so then she asked me what was my payoff in having this belief. i had to admit that i was trying to keep myself safe, but that in reality holding on to that belief really did not affect my day to day safety. in fact - and here's the kicker - if you are always worrying about what might happen, what others might think feel or say if you say or do something then you are always a little bit afraid. after all, let's call a spade a spade - worry is fear. so when your mind is always shooting out these tendrils of fear all the time - how do you know when to listen when your genuine alarm system kicks in to alert you to real danger? it's not that danger to your safety does not exist, but what good is the belief that world is not safe when it causes you to live out of sync with your true self? Not to mention that the VAST majority, if not all, of the random ways i don't stand up for myself are not really related to my safety anyway.

even after all of that realizing going on, i still had a hard time imagining my world without that thought. so what a blessing when i realized that i DO know what it feels like to live without that thought. that is why i go to festivals like dreamtime and element 11. i let go of that thought while i am there and i am just me; that's why i love going there so much! that realization just busted the whole thing wide open for me. so i know that i am not just over this issue, just like that. i know that i have work ahead of me, because the thought of being open and honest with some people in my life still makes me want to hightail it back into that imaginary safe zone where i hide, but at least now i see the crack of light shining through that shut door, and i know that it IS possible to live without fear paralyzing me.

from the mouths of...almost 3rd graders

2010-07-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

in my summer school class, i have sort of a theme for the week; last week it was the solar system. in honor of solar system adventures, i brought in "the universe" season 1 (a history channel series) and let them vote on which episode they wanted to watch. though i was pulling for the gas giants, they wanted to watch the sun - well it was a close race between the sun and the moon, but the sun won by a single vote.

the funny thing about this particular series is that they are always trying to make the solar system into some kind of EXTREME SPORTS or something. kevin and i laugh when they do it and say in our best boxing match announcer voice "death from above!" anyway, the video talked about solar storms for awhile and the kids all asked me if solar storms would kill the earth and i told them no, just disrupt our electronics :) but near the end they started to talk about how the sun will (in approximately 5 BILLION years) become a red giant and swallow up mercury, venus, and earth. this freaked them out. i tried explaining that 100 years is a long time for a human to live and that we are talking BILLIONS of years before the sun engulfs the earth, but little kids are not so good with time scales.

in the midst of this "the sun will swallow the earth" mini-panic, one of my kids says, "it doesn't matter. none of us are alive anyway; we are all just living in someone's dream and when they wake up we won't be here." where do they get this stuff? then another kid chimes in in agreement. so i ask them who is doing the dreaming, and they look at me like i am slow and say "nobody knows!"

have i mentioned lately how i adore my job?

grimus and the angel of death

2010-07-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

a family friend (who i have not met yet, but will meet in a little over a week but already has a place in my heart because my fam loves her) just asked for a book recommendation because she has a train ride coming up. i was trying to think of a good book to recommend (there are just SO many good books in the world) and the one i chose was "grimus" by salman rushdie. i read that book last year and it really captured me in a way that books seldom do. i remembered that i blogged about it on my old myspace blog when i was reading it, so i went and dug that up to share a piece of this most amazing piece of literature.

-It's a serious tale, she said. It is about the Angel of Death. In the story, he is sent out by God to collect the dead souls; but he finds a frightening thing happening to him, for as he swallows each soul it becomes a part of him. And so Death is changed, metamorphosed as it were, by each dying creature. The poor Angel finds it a bigger and bigger strain, and also begins to have doubts about whether he even exists as an independent being with all these people inside him; so he returns to God and asks to be relieved of his function. And what do you think he finds? This: that God too, is tired of his job, and wants to die. God asks the Angel to swallow him and of course the Angel cannot refuse. So he does, and God dies; but the effort of swallowing him breaks the heart of the Angel. And there is a very sad ending, when he realizes that Death cannot die, for there is no-one to swallow him. Don't you think that's a very pretty, neat tale?

-grimus p141

and i knew i could count on gustave dore for a most excellent picture to accompany this post :)

a shout-out to the peeps who bless my life

2010-07-02T19:59:00.001-07:00

the first session of "The Work" that i did involved my feelings of fear and frustration over someone in my life (not friend or family, just someone i am forced to interact with in my life). afterward i went to grab a bite with a friend who was also at the session with me who also knows the person i had just done "Work" on. in our conversation, my friend mentioned to me that on one occasion our mutual acquaintance told her in all seriousness that she doesn't really have friends because they are too much work and she prefers it that way.

this has been rolling around in my brain a lot since i heard it. i think of the myriad ways my life is blessed because of my friends - even those i am not that close to, and CERTAINLY by those i hold especially dear to my heart. i feel compassion for any being who would see relationships with others as a chore rather than a treasure. after that day, i really just can't see her as scary and mean as i used to. obviously there is no way for me to know if she truly doesn't want friends because they are a bother, or that is a smokescreen - and it really is none of my business. yet, i can't help imagining life without all the awesome people i count as friends.

in fact, i just reconnected with a college friend today who i haven't seen in person for about 12 years. and i came away from that meeting with the feeling that i am glad i know him. that got me thinking about how glad i am that i know so many of the people that i do. i am trying to contrive a way to let people know that i appreciate them and their contribution both to my life and to our collective experience here on this most amazing of planets.

i think of my mother - considered quite poor by typical standards - and i think what a rich life she has had and does have because of the people she has made connections with - TRUE CONNECTION. i know that it's cliche to say that there are more important things than money, and i bitch about not having money on a fairly regular basis - but the truth is i love my life. i love my life because of all the wonderful people i have in my life. so here's to all the people i love - *SMOOTCH*

ah...micheal franti just started playing on my ipod. nice.

and the following pics are a mere representation of the people in my life who rock and is by no means a definitive list. :)

fat-cat brain

2010-06-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

so i have done three "Work" sessions now, but the one i did today blew my mind. for those of you who don't know about byron katie and her "Work", you start with a thought that distresses you and and allow yourself to feel it fully and watch what that thought does to your life. how does life feel with that thought? how do you treat yourself when you think this thought? how do you treat others when you think this thought? etc.
then when you're all done with that you imagine your life as if it were impossible to think that thought. not that the subject of the thought doesn't exist, but that it is impossible for you to think that particular thought. so my thought today was people shouldn't threaten each other. so i had to imagine what would my life be if i COULD NOT think that thought, not what would my life be like if people didn't threaten each other.
that step was a hard one for me! i literally could not imagine life without that thought. so my friend gave me a tool that she uses when trying to work through very deeply entrenched thoughts; she pictures herself in her dog's head. so i put myself in fat cat's head. is it possible for the fat to think that people shouldn't threaten each other? nope, not even a little bit. then i could see what my life could be like without that thought. it's freeing really, to let go for a second and see that you truly are FREE to be as happy or as miserable as you want to make yourself. and you have NO ONE to blame but yourself if you are unhappy or stressed.

take a second to let that sink in...

me - i'm going try living in fat cat's head-space a bit more.

one of my very favorite poems

2010-06-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

i have been thinking about this poem a lot lately because of all the spring flowers i have been enjoying (there is a line "flesh like the bright puffs the flower-god puts on in spring, flimsy for needing to last"). as you know if you have been reading my blog, i have been been wrapping my head around the idea of non-permanence when it comes to life, so that line would echo in my head when i would see a flower. i have been trying to let things be what they are and enjoy each moment i have on its own terms without thinking how it won't last or how i want it to be different. i still have a long way to go, but hey, life's about the journey, right?

this poem is by a poet i found in a sort of unusal way :) back when i was first dating nathaniel and kim was first dating james, she and i went to ogden to meet the boys. we had planned to meet them in one of those book/music/movie mega-stores, and we got there before them. so we were over in the poetry aisle and we spotted a book titled "10 poems to change your life". kim and i scoff (we are sort of poetry elitists) and i open the book at random to see if my life was about to be changed. the poem that i opened to was called "last gods" by galway kinnell. i read it aloud and kim and i just sat there speechless when it was done. i quietly and carefully placed the book back on the shelf, giving the poem the reverence it deserved, and thus was born my adoration of galway kinnell.

the poem i want to share isn't actually "last gods" though i highly recommend the poem. it's in his book "when one has spent a long time alone", as is the poem i am about to share.

so... without further ado i give you...
AGAPE
I want to touch her.
Once. Again. I will wait
if I must. Outwait.
Wait so long she will age,
pull even, pass. How
will she like it then if
when i bend to kiss wrinkles
ray out around her
mouth? I want to hold her.
In the flesh. All night.
Flesh like the bright
puffs the flower-god
puts on in spring, flimsy
for needing to last
but this one flashing
circuit through her
apparitions. Did she fear,
when i stood with the
precipice at my back
and beckoned, that i was a specter
she would plunge through?
At the agape, love's addicts
lie back, drink, listen
to a priestess discourse
on love rightly understood.
As soon as cured anyone
can get up and go over
and bestow the Kiss
on anyone. Now the others
have disappeared - maybe
cured, probably joining lips
behind doors. It is
the Fourth Cup - the hour
for the breaking of the
transubstantiated body.
What if we break, the priestess
and I, the body
together? And I fall
in fear and longing?
And she commands me to
dissolve in the light
of love rightly understood,
or if i can't, to put
a gun to my head? I don't want
to know that on the other
side of the pillow nobody
stirs. I don't want ever
again to sit up half the night
and laugh and forget not
all of us will rejoice
like this always.

she moves in mysterious ways

2010-06-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

so, for some unknown reason whenever my mother posts a new blog (broccoli4breakfast.wordpress.com) my facebook profile posts it on my wall - as me, not my mom. i am not sure what setting i changed to make that happen, but i liked knowing when my mom posts anyway, so i'm not too concerned.

anyway, on monday my mom posted a new blog and i got this comment from a friend

"Kat! Did I tell you I'm just finishing up my certification to teach/facilitate 'The Work?' Come for a session or two... it's great stuff and I could totally see you using/teaching it as well!"

i hadn't even had a chance to read my mom's blog. i responded that i would love to come do this "Work" (though i didn't know what this "Work" was), so we have been setting up a time to do this. today i finally got a chance to sit down and read my mom's post. it turns out that the whole post is on a system of overhauling your thought patterns with the goal of creating joy in your life at all times developed by byron katie. her system is called "The Work".

i had no idea that my friend's certification was the same thing my mom has been into since she received katie's book from our friend knate while she was visiting me last month. so, i am going to visit a group that does this "Work" tomorrow. i have been working hard over the past couple years to release anger from my life, so i look forward to this chance happening.
more joy for everyone!

it'll be ok

2010-06-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

today was our first farmers market, we have both been excited since yesterday because this was the trial run of "can kevin make enough money doing this while i still don;t have my teaching license?" i spent a lot of time yesterday making our signs and kevin was busy getting his stuff ready.

when we got there today, the shade we had been promised was non-existent, the chairs we were expecting were non-existent, and we were allotted half a table (my fault for signing up for the wrong thing). so we set up - and i cry - ... i told kevin i was sad because we looked so unprofessional. kevin didn't understand my sadness until he saw people literally render us invisible because we had no canopy. our society is all about presentation.

after about an hour, one of the managers came up to us and offered us her canopy - and from then on we rocked it as hard as we could, we actually ended up doing much better than we thought we would at this particular venue. and i think we can actually make a go of this urban farming as a job.

it's all good - even if i get sad sometimes

2010-06-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

so, i started my new job this week. i am lucky because my immediate "boss" is a good college friend of mine who knows that i am valuable to the program already, so i don't have to pretend i never have a cup of wine or that i don't have tattoos to make her realize that i am good at my job (yes, utah is like that - even salt lake, though not to as great an extent as ogden).
i have second graders this summer. before this summer, i thought that what i really wanted was to just teach kinders, but would be ooo-k(?) with first - but it was nonsense - i love all the littles. i think i am just going to get my degree so that i could teach any elementary grade. i am seeing that each year has its own special treasures and challenges - just like everything in life.
i am, however, looking forward to finding a job where i can STAY. one of the reasons i don't want to leave parkview is that i LOVE watching my kinders grow, and i LOVE how i get letters from pre-k kids saying how they hope they have me as a teacher because i had their sibling. but i know that i will develop that at any school i go to. and i think that my principal has created a culture of fear at my school, and that's not what i want.
sometimes i think it might be boring to read about how much i love my job and my man and my daughter, but that's where i'm at. i mean, i get depressed - mostly over money. i don't want to be rich, but i am tired of worrying if i can even pay my bills. i am sad that kevin and i have both found what we LOVE to do, but society doesn't choose to honor either of our (FUNDAMENTAL) career choices with much monetary compensation. and like i said, i'm not all about money - i am just tired of scraping to pay my bills.
i guess what i want to leave this blog with, is that i feel blessed - every day. i have an amazing love, amazing family/friends, and an amazing job.

moving on...or, at least trying to

2010-06-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

today was the last day of the school year. i found out just last week that i have a job to come back to next year, but that they weren't sure where they were going to put me. last week, they said either i would be in kindergarten again or in the 3rd grade bilingual class. i was cool with either. then my favorite teacher there (who is retiring) told me that the 1st grade bilingual asked if she could have me and apparently was told yes. i was pretty excited about this, because i would really enjoy working with that particular teacher. on my way out of the building today, i stopped to ask if they had solidified my position for next year. i was told, not really, but not in kindergarten and most likely not even in a classroom. i would do things like babysit the in school suspension and the playground, and do groups like ERI (early reading intervention - a scripted curriculum that is my least favorite part of my job). so i am pretty depressed.

i came home and updated my resume. so next week starts a new job hunt. i am thankful that i have a job for next year to fall back on, since i know that my district is cutting people all over. i just know that i belong in the classroom, and i need to work for someone who realizes that. so fingers crossed. universe? help me out? it's frustrating to know exactly what you want to do with your life, and then have people or circumstances prevent you from doing that. all i want is to be in a classroom...

endings

2010-06-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

well, tomorrow is our kindergarten musical celebration and "graduation". it's so amazing to think back to the first month of school and how much they have all grown and learned. i really wish i could post some pictures of them with this blog so you could see how utterly amazing my kinders are, but apparently that's a no no. i feel so blessed to be able to spend my working life with these precious little souls. i know many of them come from some difficult home situations, but at least i know that while i'm around they are all cherished.

i cry every year at the end. i know i will still see most of them next year, but i still miss them. we sing a song called "the children of many colors". here are the lyrics:
from the ocean, cross the desert, to the mountain high
live our people, hear our voices, rising to the sky

*(chorus)we are the children of many colors
and ever since our birth,
we've been sisters, we've been brothers
and we live on mother earth*

sun of daylight, moon of midnight, guard our mother's land
we together, must protect her, every grain of sand

*chorus*

we move to the rhythm of the circle of life
and listen to earth's song
we dance to nature's heartbeat
and keep our mother strong

we all share the water we drink, the food we eat, the air we breathe
we all share the skies above, the river below, the land we love

*chorus*
-end of lyrics-

so, imagine 75 ethnically diverse 5 and 6 year olds singing this song. ya, it's that adorable and heart wrenching. it gets me every time. then we go back to our classroom and they get their "diplomas". we all made construction paper grad caps as well - TOO CUTE! and i cry again. someday i will have my own classroom.

stopping to smell the flowers

2010-06-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

well, my mom left today. it was a teary goodbye. i am trying not to be too sad though. i will try to make it out next month to see her.

i went over to the big garden with kevin this afternoon just after it had rained. the house next to the big garden is full of iris, roses, and peonies. i did not know until my mom's visit that irises smell amazing! i always assumed that since they were such decorative flowers that they probably didn't smell that pleasant. while my mom was here, we were taking a walk and she stopped to smell an iris and told me that iris was one of her favorite scents. so i smelled one, and they are incredible! while i was waiting for kevin to be done building his fence, i noticed that some of the flowers had raindrops still on them, and it was beautiful. so i took a couple pictures with my cell phone. i bent to smell all the flowers and had kevin come join me. it reminded me of my mom. i am glad that she is helping me stop and smell the flowers and realize how precious and amazing life is. no one knows when their time comes to pass from this life, so do yourself a favor and go smell some flowers while you still can.

here's to you, mom!

life without my mother

2010-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

i try not to dwell too much on the possibility of life without my mother, but it's always a nagging feeling there in the back of my mind. i know that nobody has any guarantees on life, but dealing with an illness in someone you love makes you ponder death more often than you otherwise would. every time i imagine my mother being gone it's too much for my brain to handle. my mother is one of my best friends and i think the world is a better place for her being in it. i know that her influence and the good she has done will live on after she does, but i can't hug influence. i wish that i could go live in portland too, or that salt lake was better option for my mom to live. i am a bit jealous that my brother and adrienne get to have my mom.

mom is sleeping right now. she is leaving tomorrow and i am sad about that. i wish i had more time to spend with her. at least i had this nice long weekend. i enjoyed cooking for her - we have always bonded over food. i have many things to be thankful for, but i wish i had more mom time.

thankful for life's little surprises

2010-05-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

i went and looked at my old blog today - the one i had on myspace. it was really fun to look back through it. it made me want to blog more, so here i am.

this has been an interesting few weeks. i got a call from my brother like three weeks ago saying that one of his friends just landed in salt lake and was supposed to be picked up by a friend in a school bus, but that the bus had broken down in flagstaff, so could his friend stay with us. (i know this friend btw; he wasn't a stranger or anything). so we said yes.the bus has taken a bit longer to fix than anticipated, but i am grateful for the time we have been able to spend with our friend. cassidy absolutely adores him - in fact i think she will have quite a hard time when he leaves next week. the experience has taught me that wonderful things come in unexpected packages.

as some of you know, my mom is dealing with illness. i picked up a random book from the library sale last month because it was by an author that i enjoy. it is called "the blue lantern" by collette. i started reading it, and it is written almost like a journal, it is not fiction (which i did not realize). at the time she wrote it, collette was in her 70s and was pretty much bedridden. the book is her musing over her life - both past and present. i was truck with how appreciative she was about life in all its ups and downs. it made me hope that i will feel and think like that when i am nearing the end of my life (assuming i don't die in fiery crash or some such thing). i decided that i wanted to give the book to my mother when she came to visit me. so the first week our unexpected guest was here, we were all hanging out in the living room. i said to kevin that i wanted to give my mom our blue lava lamp to go along with "the blue lantern". knate looks at me and says "what did you just say?" so i told him that i wanted to give that book to my mom. well, knate is a comic book guy and he tells me the following:

in the green lantern comics, the green lantern is powered by will, but other lanterns started to pop up. the other lanterns had different power sources (greed, rage, etc.). then came the blue lanterns - and they were powered by hope. i thought that was an amazing synchronicity.

my mom knows knate from when she lived in portland. so, when it became clear that he might still be here when my mom was due to be here, i decided not to say anything to my mom about him being here. for anyone who knows me, you know that is hard for me. i am a TERRIBLE secret keeper. BUT i pulled it off. i am SO glad i did too, because the look on my mom's face when she found knate on our couch was priceless!! first she noticed him, then came the look of recognition, followed closely by sheer confusion. you could almost read her thoughts (wait...knate? where am i? which child am i visiting? what city is this? am i going crazy?). it was amazing!

i hope i can get out to portland this summer to see my mom. it's very hard to process the idea of her not being around forever. i want to spend as much time with her as i can.

Last Rites (from Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle)

2009-10-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

I think this is darling

"God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So god said to the mud, 'Sit up!'
'See all I made', said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars'
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job god had done.
Nice going, God!
Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I got so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank You for the honor!
Now the mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait..."

lots of stuff rollin' in my brain

2009-10-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

i am pretty sure this whole blog will be disjointed because the major things on my brain seem disparate.
the first has been plaguing me for a while - well, since i found my joy really. i have these momentary panic attacks. they aren't frequent or incapacitating. but i am sooooo grateful for the people in my life right now and for my life in general that i flash on instances of tragedy involving my loved ones and i experience panic. it's ironic to me that through some of the darkest, most dangerous times of my life i never experienced this panic. through some of the pretty bad stuff i have experienced i never worried about the future like i do now. even though there was probably a far higher statistical probability of something bad happening i was too embroiled in what was going to worry about it much. but now that i have something good i am at times TERRIFIED of losing it.
that brings me to another issue i have been dealing with. no one following my blog knows this about me, but i am remarkably free of guilt most of my life. i have always chosen to view things that i would classify as mistakes in my life as tools that helped shape me for good or ill and not to waste time regretting things. but that has been changing as of late. i keep having flashbacks of things that happened when cass was younger and i have intense flashes of guilt. i view guilt as useless emotion because we can't change the past, we can only make choices from this point on - yet here i am assaulted by guilt. i did horrible things.
the next thing is about my mother. she is working on releasing cancer right now. and over the past - well since i got prego - my mom and i have developed a pretty cool relationship. i think our relationship is pretty symbiotic at this point. so especially lately i feel like i am getting these messages for her. i am glad that our relationship is such that she listens to me when i have these revelations. i don't feel at liberty to discuss them because i feel like i get messages for her because she listens to me. but i can say that i think she needs to come live with us on our farm whenever we get it.
this brings me back to my guilt feelings surrounding cass. i know my mother struggles with guilt as far as her kids are concerned FAR more than i do. so once again i hope that through all the things i wish i could do over that i someday have the open and loving relationship that i have with my mom, with my daughter.
and finally - sometimes i am scared of losing my mom. i hesitate to say this in print because like a dear friend told me - fear is like a negative prayer. in the sense that i believe that the brain is capable of amazing feats - but when i give in to fear for my mom, i am sending energy that is not healing. it was kinda brought home to me today when i was talking to my mom and she was telling me how most of the time she could stay positive, but the pain interfered. so iam going to break down right here and say it -
I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE a hundred thousand million times infinty

giving and taking

2009-10-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

kevin has been wanting me to read a book called "the vision" for quite some time now. it is the story of a native american shaman and scout who decided to take on an 8 year old white kid as his apprentice. the book is written by the 8 year old as an adult about his experiences being taught by stalking wolf (grandfather).

anyway, i have been reading it today. and i am touched to my soul at the descriptions of the reverence the author holds for our planet and for all life on our planet. i see now why pookie wanted me me to read it - because that's the sort of rapture he feels. that's why he wants to be an organic subsistence farmer. i am a very book oriented person, and in reading this book i get a feel for what kevin feels.

part of me in reading this feels a loss because i do not experience the joy of nature very readily. i am a city girl through and through, and i live in my head A LOT. i am also a little sad because though i know that our earth is my kevin's deity, it took someone else's words to bring it home to me. i also love that my kevin knows this about me and that's why he wanted me to read this book.

i am grateful to kevin for opening my eyes to our responsibility as stewards of the earth. and for helping me be more aware of how my decisions affect the web of life. i am still learning to open myself to the myriad beauties of nature and how incredibly wonderful our amazing planet really is.

i am well aware of the gifts that kevin brings to my life (other than the obvious one of loving me), but i started to think about what i bring him as well (besides the obvious one of loving him). when he came to visit on friday he was all sorts of bent out of shape but didn't know why. i think the gift that i bring the relationship is my carefree spirit. kevin worries A LOT. and i rarely do. i have my moments - just recently i posted on FB that i wanted to sleep until thigs didn't suck so much. but when i was polled by some friends about that post i revealed that i was really just pissed about money, but not in a serious way. i have a genuine ability to roll with the punches and come out smiling. and i think that is my gift to kevin - to help him see that you don't have to worry so much because mostly it's a waste of your energy.

so he helps me feel connected to our amazing planet and i help him take a chill pill. we both have a long road ahead of us in bestowing our respective gifts - but i am confident that our love is making the world a better place.

compromising on things that matter

2009-10-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

ok, first some background to my dilema. though i have been a vegetarian for 12 years now, it has only been in the last year that i really started to think about the food i eat in depth. through my research, i have become increasingly convinced that it is the processing of foods that does the most damage to our health. i have also become an adamant supporter or organic foods, both for the health of my family and for the health of our planet.
my 10 year old, cassidy, has always been overly sensitive to not fitting in. so the fact that i raise her veggie has always made her feel like she stands out. but my newer convictions, about processed food especially, i think she takes worse. previously we ate A LOT of stuff i wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole now - even though they were vegetarian.
so, cass had a friend sleep over last night (the state of utah has a four day school weekend). and i want to help her not feel like her mom is a total freak, so i bought them pizza and cookies. then cassidy asks me for soda, and movie treats, and the list goes on and on! i mean, i am already trying to compromise with her by feeding her stuff i would never on a normal day, and then i get pestered with all these requests and i just want to scream. i mean, i am making many sacrifices in other areas of my life so that i can feed my family food without chemicals and preservatives and added sugar. i spend more on food a month than i spend on rent because what i put into my daughter's body matters a great deal to me. i was less informed for much of her life (plus she macks fast food crap when she visits her dad) i used to feed her stuff that i won't now. but it killed me when she had her friend over here. i was already trying to sacrifice something that mattered to me because i know that the more rigid you are about something then more likely they are to reject it on principle, but this experience made me not want her to have her friends over for the night anymore.
i mean, i have had to deal with the fact that she eats things i would prefer she didn't, but it has always been other places. i feel like my home is the last safe food place for my daughter, but when i say she can a friend over then my safe place becomes a war zone over food. i am at a loss :( :( :( i don't want to say she can't have friends spend the night, but i don't want this food war brought home.
and let me say here that the letting go of what she eats outside the house has been HUGE for me.
i know every parent has their things that they try to do for their child because they truly feel like it's the best thing for them. i mean - how pissed is my dad at me? at least my concern is for her health is in this life - my dad believes that he will be separated from me for eternity for my lack of following what he tried to instill in me, whereas he will get to enjoy my sis and her hubby for eternity.
i am just really struggling with this issue, and i'm sure this will not be the last time i need to write about it.

thinking about one of my best friends

2009-09-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

i was reading a blog earlier written by one of my best friends (we actually think we supposed to be twin sisters *our birthdays are a couple weeks apart* but whoever was passing out the souls messed up). anyway, it got me thinking of her.
we met when i moved to dehesa from lemon grove at montgomery middle school. she was short like me, and we discovered that both of us had skipped a grade (though i think hers was 3rd and mine was 2nd)so we were both young for our grade. anyway, we were fast friends and from 7th grade through 10th grade i believe i spent more time at her house than mine. she was even my "date" for the 8th grade harbor cruise because we wanted to wear pretty dresses and go on a harbor cruise - boys be damned!
i am not going to go on a whole "everything i remember about the stuff we did" trip because that would take forever. *but watch out dana because i have a photo album in storage that is full of you and me in the early 90's and you better believe i'll scan them :)*
but in her blog she was talking about some hardships in her life and it made me think back on what a protector she has always been. we did some crazy teen stuff, but when i look back i see how much dana had her head on her shoulders even when we were being crazy. blonde jokes annoyed her because she is a natural blonde (with dark eyebrows - but i swear she is natural blonde) and smarter than most people i know. i have never been very authoritative and dana was definitely the driving force our duo :)she also looked out for me a lot. the first time i got drunk, a guy brought me into his room and dana immediately busted down the door and brought me bread. when i had a breakdown and left my house, she made brandon drive around his van until she found me and brought me to her house. there are many examples.
i guess why i have been thinking about this is because i have infinite faith that she will deal with her hardships in the best way possible. she has the best combination of level-headedness and heart of anyone i have met in my life. she is one of the best people in the world to have on your side. i left a comment to her when i read her blog about how i hope she remembers to take care of herself though. we have been apart a lot years now, so i don't know if she forgets to take care of herself - i could see it go either way. but, dana you are and have always been one of the most amazing women i know. our differences are superficial, but our sames go straight through.

new perspective on an old hurt

2009-09-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

so my kevin left to go dogsit for a week today. i was on my way to pick up cass from a birthday party (which was quite a drive because i can't take my car on the freeway) and i started to think about how much i felt like a part of me was missing because kevin was gone. and then it got me thinking about how i feel when cass goes away. when cass was smaller and wasn't with me, i REALLY felt like part of me was missing, but the older she gets, the less i feel like that.
in pondering this, i remembered an old painful memory. when i was maybe 13 or so, my mom met this "cool" guy named arne, i remember her coming to our house (my sibs and i lived with my dad) and announcing that she was engaged (to a guy she had known six weeks and we had never even met). and we were overjoyed for her - well at least i was - i can't speak for my sibs. when she took us to meet him i remember my little sis, who was probably 8, ran up to him and gave him a hug and said "hi new dad" and he stepped away and said to her "i don't DO dad". i was crushed for my sis and for us. it soon became apparent that arne didn't DO a lot of stuff (including get my mom even a token ring). it also became apparent that no DOing dad meant he didn't care much for any of us kids. so i decided if he wasn't going to DO a relationship with us, then i wasn't going to DO a relationship with him either.
at this point my mom had us two weekends a month and i told my mom that i wasn't going to come on her weekends if he was going to be there. and i remember her telling me "you won't be there forever. so if you are going to make me pick between you and arne, then i will pick arne" this killed me and our relationship was much damaged after that. i felt i had put up with a lot but her flat out telling me she would pick her new nasty boyfriend over me was a biggie. (he was a complete tool and she realized that after a few months as a side note).
to this day i think that is probably the most hurtful thing my mother has ever said to me (i have forgiven her by the way already). so, back to today in the car. i thought how different it feels when kevin goes and when cass goes. and i think i understand a bit more where my mom was coming from (not that i compare the situation exactly). i see that a mother can't build her life around a child forever. i mean, i am embarrassed to admit that cassidy's presence in my life has been the thing that has kept me going in the hardest times in my life. i feel bad that i have relied so heavily on her when i feel i should be the strong one. i know that many times it has been just her and i against he world. but i also know that part of loving her is allowing her to grow in the world. which means maybe being hurt, and most definitely being set free in the world.
i think my mother's comment to me all those years ago was coming more from fear, but i think i see a valid basis now. i think what my mom wasn't grasping is that just because your child isn't there to be your world when they grow, doesn't mean they abandon you. arne is LONG gone, yet my relationship with my mother has reached astounding depth that neither of us could imagine when i was 13. we are now simply beings, flawed in our own ways, who love each other and help each other in countless ways.
so back to the difference between cass leaving and kevin leaving. with kevin i have found the man with whom i want to share the day to day everythings of my life. and believe me - i know i have been rash with the falling in "love" my whole life. and that's how i know this is different. i am seriously making all the big, long-term decisions in my life according to what will best fit both my and kevin's dreams. so in one way i am bonding myself ever closer with kevin while detaching myself from cass. not in a love way, but in a plan for the future way. i am constructing my future with my and kevin's dreams, but cassidy's dreams are as of yet unformed.i am excited to find out what her dreams are and i will support her as best i can. but i realize that i cannot make decisions based on her dreams. and each time cass leaves it is a step toward our eventual relationship as true friends. i hope that we are close as my mother and i are when she is 32 and i am 54

buzzing in my head

2009-09-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

this is sort of a conglomeration of things that have been inhabiting my head mostly over the last week or so. some of it frustration i have over my job this year. the teachers i have worked with in the past have all treated me as basically a co-teacher. i helped them plan activities, pulled groups, read stories, and countless other things. this year i feel more like - oh, an office aide for the classroom. and yes, i realize that my job IS a classroom aide, but i used to feel more involved with teaching kids which is what i love to do. i don't even have an area this year and i spend much time collating papers, and even when i am working with the kids, it's as a wandering help-person rather than having any specific job to do. i don't know, maybe that's what most people who have my job do, but i was used to doing more and it makes me sad. i don't have a problem with the teacher; i just miss my old job.
this is a side note but also related to my work. every day at lunch if our kids do not want the hot lunch, they have the choice of totally packaged foods served in a plastic clam shell container (and no this is not going to be about the disgusting, preservative-laden food in our nation's schools - though i also have a problem with that.) anyway, i had seen the clam shells be collected by one of the paras at lunches the whole time i have worked at parkview, so i would collect my kids' also. i assumed we were recycling these (especially since unlike the plastic forks and spoons we also use every day, these clam shells never even touch food), and i would leave the ones i collected on top of where the kids get milk because i wasn't sure where the recycling bin for them was. earlier this year i handed the ones i just collected and watched as they were promptly put in the trash can. so i decided to see if we could recycle them. out on the playground i saw our secretary and asked her if it would be possible to get a recycling bin for the clam shells and was informed that the district won't ALLOW it. a teacher a few years ago tried and she said the district wouldn't budge citing federal health codes. WHAT??? so anyway, all that clean recyclable plastic cannot leave our cafeteria except in a trash can (except of course when we used to collect them for use in after-school art projects. too "toxic" to be recycled, but ok for art i guess. ) and my principal made it clear that she does not support the idea either, so fighting the district seems pointless if my own school doesn't agree with it either - so trash can it is.
with all this spinning in my brain i got an email about a possibility to go back to san diego. now at this stage it it purely in the "this floated through my brain - what do you think about it?" stage, but nonetheless there is now a ever-present burning desire to go home. i mean, i have always wanted to return to so cal, but had reconciled myself to the fact that i would never go back to live because i would never have the money. but i guess nothing is impossible, and the option, however slim at this point, of leaving utah makes me almost cry because I WANT TO SO BAD. i didn't realize how much i utterly dislike living in this state until the possibility of leaving came up. the other possible places we talked about were all about equally "meh" to me so i didn't think about it. i realize i had just resigned myself to the fact that i would never live anywhere i really wanted to again. i f i do get a chance to go home, i know it won't be forever because to have a farm in so cal is not a realistic dream and i am not asking kevin to forgo his dreams, but if i could get a chance to live once more in a place I love i think it will make a big difference in my life. also, i have wanted to get cass out of here for awhile.

sadness and gratitude

2009-08-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

i went to the library today and got two of vandana shiva's books, water wars and monoculture of the mind. i became interested in her because she keeps appearing in documentaries kev and i have been watching. i am in the middle of water wars right now. the book begins with a hymn from the rig veda which i wouold like to reproduce.

waters, you are the ones that bring us the life force.
help us to find nourishment,
so that we may look upon great joy.
let us share in the most delicious sap that you have,
as if you are loving mothers,
let us go straight to the house of the one,
for whom you waters gave us life and gave us birth.
for our well-being, let the goddeses be an aid to us,
the waters be for us to drink.
let them cause well-being and health to flow over us.
mistresses of all the things that are chosen,
rulers over all peoples,
the waters are the ones i beg for a cure.
waters - yield your cure as armor for my body,
so that i may see the sun a long time.
waters - carry away all of this that has gone bad in me.
either that i have done in malicious deceit,
or whatever lie i have sworn to,
i here sort the waters today.
we have joined with their sap,
oh agni, full of moisture,
come and flood me with splendor!

the book then turns to water crises all over the world. my heart hurts for what is being done to our planet and to the people on this planet by greed. the contrast between the reverence suggested in the hymn and reckless and often downright evil ways use water now makes me want to cry. we take so much for granted. i said recently in a survey that if i could have a super power it would be an empathy ray because the world is sadly lacking in empathy.

even though some of the stuff i am learning makes me sad, i am glad i am learning about it. and it brings into sharp focus how much kevin has blessed my life in ways beyond just loving me. before i was with him, i gave about as much thought to my actions and how they affect the web of life as the average american - little to none. but over the past two years, kevin's ecological conscience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. life, in all its manifestations, ais precious and every time i choose to spend more money on something organic - not just because its better for me but because i genuinely care that the farmland that created the food was not poisoned so that i could have bell pepper - i feel more connected. i realize that each choice i make has consequences, however small, and thank kevin for opening my eyes to that fact. i know i am not perfect, but every little bit helps. at first the thought of living in a cob house in the middle of nowhere with kevin's rain collecting and energy generating devices freaked me out quite a bit, but now i understand why he wants these things, and i am ok with that.

my god and letting go

2009-08-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

this spring i was talking to my sister and had an emotional upheaval. we were talking about our dad and i began to cry as i told her that i have forgiven my father much, knowing that he's only human, but there is one thing i could not get over. that was when cass was 18 months old and i was back in san diego visiting. i called my dad because i was in an abusive relationship with a substance abuser and i needed to get out. i had about 2 years left to finish college and a near infant so my prospects were not too bright. i called my dad and told him the situation i was in and asked him if i could come stay with him while i finished college. i told him i would follow his religious and house rules while under his roof - and he told me no. having a daughter myself, i think there is NO WAY i could turn down my daughter in that situation and i didn't realize until talking to my sister how MUCH i was still hurt and angry over that incident.

this summer i went to the dreamtime festival and went to a women's guided meditation workshop and at one point we were asked to to find the hurt places in us and let them go. the place i went to was that conversation with my dad and i could NOT let it go. some fundamental place in me denied letting it go because it was NOT RIGHT. that sort of shocked me because i wondered why it so important to me to hang on to that anger and hurt - just because i thought i would have chosen better in his situation.

so i have been searching this out since that meditation. and i realized that when we hold on to hurt or negatvity we are creating spots in our being that can't be filled with love because hurt is already there taking the space. i was talking to my bro-in-law (who is very devout religious) tonight about how my god is love. i think love is what makes the world go round and our capacity for love is as infinite as we let it be. in that sense, the more full of love we are, the closer we become to divine beings. i also realized that forgivness is more about the forgiver than the forgiven. my personal hurt and anger isn't "punishing" my father; all it's doing is taking up space where joy could be instead. i can still not agree with the choice my dad made but i don't have to hold on to it - so i am letting it go. and now there is an open space ready for love and joy and i can feel it already filling in!

thoughts on love

2009-07-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

with kevin gone, i really notice all the million little things he does for me. not that i don't appreciate him every single minute of every single day, but his absence really brings home to me how much he does to take care of me. i was having a discussion with a friend earlier about showing love, so i have been thinking about it. there are so many ways to show someone you love them, and it's sad when the other person doesn't realize your ways because they have an expectation of how one shows love. i need to make sure that kevin knows exactly how much i appreciate him and what he does to show me he loves me. i like to think of it as "pixie-proofing". most of my previous relationships have been someone falling on love with crazy me - then immediately trying to change those precise things that make me "me". kevin knows my crazies (my best friend is his sis - so when i was going through crazy pixie stuff i would talk to her and she would talk to him *as a neutral third party :) *). if i do things he considers might be dangerous to me he talks to me - but otherwise he just lets me be me. and i refer to it as "pixie-proofing" because he stands on the outside of my whirlwind and lets me whirl while he creates a "padding" so i don't get hurt. mostly i am just in awe that i found someone as great for me as him, but then i think of horrors i have been through and i think i deserve this. actually i think everyone deserves this because if everyone had love like this i think the world would be a better place.

now i have a blog again

2009-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

hooray! i have missed blogging. i was just reading the blog of one of my surrogate mothers from jr. high/high school. it is so nice to be able to have these glimpses into the lives of people who would not otherwise be a part of my life right now. i am so thankful for the internet to allow me to have these connections.
though, i will be on the computer a lot less a week from now. i am a bit anxious for work to start because i don't know who i will be working with - i mean i am not even sure if they even found someone to fill the position. i am confident that it won't be worse than the beginning of last year (they had a retired exchange teacher form mexico who didn't really speak english and had never taught kindegarten - in addition to this she wouldn't take a suggestion to save her life - she went back to mexico in octiber). if i can survive that i can survive anything. it's just weird because if they haven't hired anyone i may be shuffled off to another job in the school :(
well, i need to go get some cat litter so i'll sign off for now.

pixiecola *joy!*